dear cruz,

Mommy and Daddy have been so busy this month. May has been the one month looming on the calendar that overwhelmed me just from looking at our calendar. We managed to photograph 4 weddings, a good amount of lifestyle sessions, a boudoir shoot and a birth. Each of these experiences and photoshoots are things we are extremely grateful for, so there’s no complaining out of us! But it’s been a very busy month.

To top it off, we moved this month. And that means, we had to find renters, fix up and clean our home in Gilbert, find a new place for us to live, pack, move, unpack, and get settled. Mommy took one trip to California for work. Daddy took a trip up north for work. All of this, with all of our photo shoots AND the edits that are piling up all happened within the same four weeks of May.

In the blink of an eye, May was over.

I’m telling you all this because I’ve been away from you a lot this month. I know there are a lot of mommies out there that go to work every day and are away from their babies and children much more than I am away from you. And I’m thankful that we’ve found a way for me to be at home as much as I am with you.

But since I am a full time stay at home working mom, and due to the industry I’m in, it does require me to be away from you some to work and to run our business successfully. This is so good for mamma- to have her own dreams, aspirations, achievements, goals outside of being a mamma. I see and understand that. I value it immensely too. But like every other mom out there, I’m also flooded with guilt from being away from you so much at times- even though I know you are always in good hands, taken care of by people who love you so much and who would never hurt you. But I still struggle with guilt from time to time while I’m away and working.

Or even if I’m in the same room and working.

I feel like no one prepared me for the amount of guilt that every mom feels at times. And I know it’s Satan, just trying to make me feel like I’m a worthless mother and that I’m not making good decisions for you. That I’m never spending enough time with you. That you’re growing up too fast and OMG, am I missing it??

It’s these thoughts that are very overwhelming to me. And I know I’m not the only one.

So while it’s on my mind, I wanted to make sure I wrote you a letter to remind you that no matter how busy we get, no matter how much we work or don’t work, you and your brother will always be one of our top priorities. You are always on my mind Cruzer. Dadda and I are always thinking about how we can make a good life for you guys and how we can provide for you and take good care of you. Mamma doesn’t like being away from you. But when I start to feel guilty, I try to remind myself about how truly blessed and lucky I am. I get to work at home with you there on most days. And while it does make for crazier days and weird working hours, there’s nothing I’d trade for it.

I try to remind myself that it’s good for me to have some space; to have my own thing that’s completely separate from being a mom. And while I do love being a mom more than anything, I do feel like there is a good balance in my life. Once I’ve had a crazy few days of work, it’s actually refreshes me to be a better mom in some cases. When I write it all out and read it over, it makes me feel like I have nothing to feel guilty over! Which is true, but every mom experiences it on some level and at some point.

Just remember my little man, when mamma has crazy busy days or months with work, you, dadda and Rider are always at the top of my thoughts and priorities. And always remember how God truly blessed me beyond words with the ability to work from home at something I love as a career more than anything I’ve ever loved as work in all my life.

When guilt creeps in your life, push it out. We have so much to be thankful and grateful for.

I’ll remember that too.

I love you forever,

Mamma

cruz on location

I mean, seriously. What is happening? How can one little boy possibly be this cute??

We recently took him on a photo shoot with us and were able to snap a few pictures while on location. I don’t think I’ve ever met a more genuine human being than this little boy. The more I get to know him each day, the more I think that my heart can’t possibly hold all the love that is bursting out of it.

He is the best. And I’m not sure what I did right in my life to make God think that I deserved such a cool and amazing kid. Although motherhood is the hardest job I have ever done, I never realized how much that wouldn’t matter. I don’t care how hard it is. I get to hang out with this amazing face every single day.

And for that, I know I didn’t do anything to deserve him. But I am so glad that God gave him to me and Jason.

meltdown

I had a complete meltdown the other night. It needed to happen, I think. It was good for my soul. And I can think a lot more clear now that I’ve gotten all my emotions out of the way.

I’ve been pretty stressed out these past couple weeks. We have a lot going on. Always. We always have a lot going on. Life doesn’t ever slow down for us, even if we try to make it. I thought once the holidays past, we’d be able to breathe. I thought our photography business would slow down a little bit, which I didn’t want and I did want all at the same time. I love my job and staying busy has just been amazing. I just thought that naturally, there’d be a slope in the amount of business we had after the holidays.

We don’t have an open slot until June.

Don’t get me wrong- I am incredibly blessed, grateful and humbled to be this busy. I get to work full time at home, with my son sitting on my lap! It doesn’t get any better.

Throw that into the mix with Jason starting a new job, trying to move up to Scottsdale, getting our house ready to rent out, actually renting out our current house, chasing after a toddler, buying a new car AND having another baby. Another baby??!! I have to be this busy AND add another baby to the mix?? Whoa.

This pregnancy has been completely different than my pregnancy with Cruz- including hormonally. When I was pregnant the first time around, I’m pretty sure I was on the brink of tears for nine straight months. I felt so bad for my family, friends and mostly Jason. Anything could piss me off, make me bawl or just simply insecure. It was so weird because I’m not typically like that at all. I’m an emotional woman normally, but to a healthy extent. During my pregnancy with Cruz, I was a wreck. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was horrible. So I didn’t have to deal with morning sickness or any major food aversions (except chicken!) but I was about to bawl in your face at any given moment the entire time. Awful.

*sigh*

This time around, I think I’ve been completely depleted of all emotions. I can tear up a little, and only at certain things. But mostly, I don’t really feel emotional about anything- especially not like I did with Cruz. Things that would normally hurt my feelings or make me cry, don’t. It’s weird. I’ll be thinking, Wow, that should really hurt my feelings but for some reason it doesn’t. Strange. So I’m sure it’s been building up inside for awhile.

I had a minor set back during one of my edits on this same particular night- the one with my meltdown. Don’t worry, it ultimately resolved itself. But, while I was in the midst of it, it sent me into a mild version of what I call, a meltdown. Jason was just sitting on the opposite couch from me wondering, I’m sure, What the hell is happening? I started sobbing about any and every little thing that’s been building in my heart over the past couple months- mostly about the things I listed above. After I finished sobbing- seriously about an hour later- and realized that it was midnight and that I need to go to bed, I actually felt a lot better.

The truth is, there is a lot going on in my life that is giving me so much anxiety. Which is stupid really, because at the end of the day, everything usually gets done right? Maybe not all the dishes or laundry or yard work. But the things that are super important always get done. But right now, I have all of these small and large tasks on my ‘To Do’ list everyday, and to be honest- figuring out how to do all of them AND be a full time mommy is super hard! I hit a wall the other night, got it all out of my system, went to bed and actually woke up feeling a lot more clear about my life and what actually is on my plate.

It’s amazing how a little meltdown can actually allow things to be a lot more clear.

I would never change where I’m at in this life. I wouldn’t change one single thing about it. Well, I actually would hire a full time maid to clean my house if I could afford it, not gonna lie. But aside from that, I wouldn’t change anything. BUT, for any mom- working inside the house, working outside the home, or not working at all, balancing everything is very hard to do. And at moments where I think we couldn’t possibly get busier in our lives, we do. And I’m still navigating how to actually do this thing called ‘full time working mom’. It’s not easy. Every day is a balancing act. And every day usually doesn’t turn out how I thought it would. I’m trying to go with the flow, release control and just focus on one day at a time. Not tomorrow, or next week or next month. Wow, that’s hard for me.

I’m so thankful that God’s grace is sufficient for me, today, right where I’m at. He sees me in my ‘meltdown moments’ and understands my heart. And it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only mamma (or woman!) who feels like they’re going crazy at times. We’re all just doing the best we can, with what we’ve been given. And that’s all we can do.

possible

I planned on going back to work after Cruz was born. Not only did I want to, we needed me to go back financially. Jason and I had worked out a good schedule between the two of us- I would go in to work early and leave early. He’d go in later and leave later. Meaning that Cruz would have only been with a sitter two to three hours a day.

That, we could have handled, both emotionally and financially.

I always wanted to be a full time stay at home mom, but just didn’t see when it would be in the cards for me. We are in ministry and everyone knows that you don’t go into ministry for the money. So I wasn’t sure when we’d be in a situation that would allow me to stay home full time. I knew it was the cry of my heart, but I was also trying to be realistic. So I was making the best of our situation and thought I had come up with a plan that would allow me to be the best working mom that I could be. Plus, I really did like my job and had every intention of going back.

Then, my entire world was rocked.

I was no more than 5 days away from my due date when I was sat down at work and informed that my wanted schedule was not approved. Astonished, I desperately tried to work out something; anything that would allow us to do what we thought was best for our baby. With no luck, I was completely devastated. In conversations that same week and prior to my maternity leave, I was told (and I quote), “You have three options here. You can be a full time working mom, a part time working mom, or a full time stay at home mom. I wouldn’t push it.”

Immediately after this was said to me I secretly thought to myself, “Wow, you’re talking to the wrong girl.”

See, I’m the kind of girl that likes to make things happen for myself. I like to strategize and figure out the best possible way to make things work for me and my family and I’ll do anything to make it work. In that meeting, I knew I had to come up with a plan that was best for my family. I wasn’t going to be bullied into working a schedule I wasn’t comfortable with. And I wasn’t going to settle for making less money than I knew I could make. I had a mix of emotions for the remainder of that week. I was devastated, panicked, furious. I was days away from meeting my son and my ‘plan’ (that would have worked perfectly) had vanished. With no time to find another employer who possibly would have worked with me, I spent the nights before my sons birth sobbing in his room while sitting in his rocker. I would sit up until 4:00 am with worry, crying out to God about what we were going to do.

We couldn’t afford daycare full time, and while many moms use daycare and I have nothing against it, I just knew that it wasn’t going to work for us. I wanted to be able to work, help provide for my family and still be a mom that was as hands on as any other mom. I’m a hard worker. I would have successfully done this. And I thought I was working at a place that would have put my family first and I was willing to prove that my work would not have suffered. I would have worked harder.

I went on maternity leave and then Cruz was 9 days late. I had started contemplating the idea of becoming a Pampered Chef consultant and I thought doing that part time would have been a great option that would have allowed me to stay home. I could have even kept my other job while being a consultant and that would have worked.  I started crunching numbers and rethinking the job that I currently had. I really struggled wondering, ‘If they can’t help me put my family first before my family is even here, how is it going to be once he arrives?” I had a hard time with the thought of going back. I felt like I had spent a year working harder than I had ever worked, and none of it mattered. I was just filling a position and could be easily replaced.

Then Cruz was born.

And everything they say about becoming a mom is true. It rocked my world in every way possible. And I knew that I had to be somewhere that would help me value this little guy the same way I valued him. I just didn’t know how or where or who that would be and it really seemed like I would have to go back.

I spent all of my maternity leave, in-between feedings and diaper changes, sobbing and crying out to God about what the answer was. What should we do for our family? How are we going to provide? Who should I trust to watch him full time when I go back? I couldn’t believe that I was spending my maternity leave worrying about this. I thought I had had it figured out beforehand and found it extremely unfair to have been presented with this as I was about to pop. I felt robbed of the maternity leave that I had always dreamed of. While Cruz was my focus in those early weeks, I was focused more on how we were going to make this work. Jason finally sat me down near the end of my maternity leave, after watching the worry, the sobbing, the heartache, and told me that I need to stay home. We’d work it out. God would provide. We need to trust. It was obviously not right for me to go back and we both agreed that everything that had happened to me was a slammed door. I should stay home.

So my maternity leave ended and I did not go back. That was never my intention when I got pregnant, but God obviously had other plans for me. So I left my job. Most people thought I had ‘just decided to stay home’, which couldn’t have been a more wrong assumption. We still had no second income for me. I started my business as a Pampered Chef consultant and it actually was going well. I made money, I liked it, it was easy. It wasn’t my passion, but whatever. I was able to stay home with Cruz.

I don’t need to tell you in detail what happened next. Because what happened next was that Jason and I started our own photography business and it exploded. God has provided more than I could have imagined and I am more than able to stay home with all of our children now due to the success we are having. It took a few steps of faith, a huge leap and major sacrifice for a few months while we were figuring it out. I ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the first year of Cruz’s life. I  hadn’t shopped much for clothes. And my outings with other mommies were limited.

And it was more than worth it.

I’m not telling you this to brag. I am telling you this because I seriously (without exaggeration) have about 8 women in my life who have recently had babies and who are struggling with the same exact thing. They want to stay home desperately but don’t know how. They have to make a paycheck still and help provide financially. I get it. I have been there. Abandoning my job and hoping that something would work out was the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life. And it was hard, requiring a lot of sacrifice. But I look back and I am so thankful that doors were slammed in my face while others were opened. Had that never happened, I’d still be working full time somewhere. I never would have ventured out to explore my true passion in this life.

I am a strong believer that if you want to stay home full time with your children, you should do it. It will be hard and scary and will require a lot of sacrifice. But you have options. I knew that those three options I was presented with were not my only options. I knew that I could be a full time stay at home/full time working mom. I knew that I could make it happen and I was on my knees about it for months. And that’s exactly what I am doing.

I can now say, that I am working harder than I have EVER worked in my whole life to try to balance it all. And on days when I feel like I am going crazy and want to cry, I remember that this is exactly what I wanted. This is exactly what I created. This is exactly where I am supposed to be. When I hear other mom’s talking about how they desperately want to stay home, I am always reminded that they CAN.

YOU CAN.

It’s not easy. It’s scary. And it’s possible.

* This is me on my due date, completely about to pop. I. Was. Huge.

dear cruz,

I can’t believe that you are almost 1 year old.

Time is flying. I think I am doing my best to stop, watch you grow, and enjoy it. I try to do that everyday so I don’t miss out on anything new you are doing. 

Mommy has been really tired this month. And while our business is taking off, I’ve struggled with guilt a lot these past few days. Guilt that I am working too much. Guilt that I am not working enough. Guilt that I am not home enough. Guilt that I never leave the house. *Sigh* The devil has been using guilt in my life these past few days and I am doing everything I can to fight it.

I keep reminding myself that I actually get to be home with you and work. A lot of people have to go to an office everyday and take their kiddos to daycare. I’m lucky enough to have the best of both worlds- being home with you and working full time. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

Sometimes I wonder why daddy and I didn’t start Session Nine Photography sooner. Why didn’t I just go for it? Why didn’t I just chase the dream I always knew was there, and why was I afraid? I find myself comparing myself to other people’s circumstances a lot, which isn’t helpful to me or us. 

But just remember Cruz, the grass isn’t always greener. Other people’s circumstances aren’t always what they seem or what they appear to be. I am trying to remember that a lot right now. Nobody has life completely figured out. Nobody is free from guilt, or weariness, or loneliness, or wonder. Everybody thinks about how their life would be if it were different. Being content in this life is one of the best lessons you could ever learn. It’s hard for mommy to be content sometimes, because I want the best for you and I want it now. But you have made me realize that I would change nothing in my life because all of it means that I get to be home with you. I get to watch you grow everyday. I get to talk to you, play with you and know you. Everyday. 

So everyday I feel a little more content. Because I know that I am not supposed to be anywhere else but here. It may be hard right now (or always) and it might not ever get easier. But we love you. And I wouldn’t want our lives to be any other way. 

I love you my Cruzer…

Mommy

possible

This life is not what I thought it would be.

Not in a bad way, actually. In a very, very good way. In a better way than I ever imagined. And it’s evolved over these past few months.

I never thought I would be comforted to be living paycheck to paycheck. And some days I’m not, don’t get me wrong. But through this season of our lives we have had to rely on God more that we have ever had to in our lives. And although Cruz doesn’t understand yet, we have had to live out our faith and be an example to him.

That’s hard to do when you’ve got a little one watching all that you do. Looking up to you for guidance, security, comfort. It’s a lot of pressure and an amazing amount of accountability.

I never thought I would be a stay at home mom right off the bat. I always wanted to be one, but there is no way that it makes sense financially for us. On paper, it’s scary. But it’s always worked out. We’ve never gone without. In fact, we have an overflow of what we need. God has used so many to provide for us in ways unimaginable. He’s used friends to help us in moments where we didn’t know how He was going to provide for us, and trusting, praying, hoping that He would. He always has.

I never thought that I would be a working stay at home mom. This has been the biggest thrill of all of this. Aside from being a mom, I am blessed with the opportunity to still work! And from home! Jason and I have started our own photography business and we are busier than we ever imagined possible.

Photography is always something I have loved to do. I have always dreamed about photographing weddings, birthdays, births, maternity- since high school. Whenever Jason would ever ask me what I wanted to do with my life, I would always say photography. Always. I just never knew where to start. And I was scared. So I let time fly by and held onto my dreams instead of pursuing them.

Then I had Cruz and God slammed (and I mean slammed) the doors shut and it was obvious that I was to be home with him full time. I had a hard time understanding why things happened the way they did. I struggled with a lot of guilt over not bringing in a regular paycheck. But slowly as the fog lifted, I was able to see that God has provided a way for me. A way for me to be a full time mom and pursue the deepest dream of my life. Not only is He providing this for me, but He has continued to open so many doors in this photography world- I can’t even keep up!

The biggest blessing is that I haven’t missed anything with Cruz. I saw all of his firsts- first that I will never get back. I witnessed them. Oh how my heart just flutters at the thought of this. It’s what makes all of this worth it.

I’m writing this to encourage you, wherever you are at in your journey. Sometimes we are asked to do things that look impossible. It still looks impossible for me to stay home full time. But it’s happening. It is possible.

The impossible IS possible for you… whatever you are facing.

We have so much more than we need. We’ve humbly had to accept help at times. We have gracious and giving family and friends that have surrounded us, who believe in us and who love us.

I never thought my life would look like this today. A year ago today I worked in an office, was pregnant with Cruz, and had the “perfect plan” for once he was born. Could you imagine where I’d be if I had followed MY plan?

I can’t.

I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be with Cruz everyday. And I wouldn’t be following my dreams.

It hasn’t been easy. I’m sure it will get harder. But the harder it gets, the more doors that fly open. So I know we are headed in the right direction. I know that we are in the right place.

I know that I am in the right place.

And for the first time in a long time- and when things are still kinda scary at times- I am content. With God all things ARE possible.

I am thankful because look at that little face. I get to hang out with him all day.

And there isn’t anything I would trade for that.

orange pretties

Cruz loves these.

They are not real and they sit on our desk in our office. I call them “orange pretties”.

His eyes light up whenever we walk into the office. They are bright orange and look different than anything he’s seen, I’m sure. He just reaches and reaches and reaches for them, making the funniest little laughing noises.

I never thought, when I bought this, that my little man would someday think it was so interesting.

It’s fun to see what amuses them.

happy father’s day

I knew Jason was going to be a great dad.

That was one thing that I never second guessed. I always knew that he was going to be wonderful.

I had no idea that he was going to be this wonderful.

Ever since Cruz was born, Jason has just jumped in feet first with me. He helped change diapers after I fed Cruz all through the night- and not just in the beginning- every night. I would get up and feed Cruz while Jason slept. Then I’d go wake Jay up and he’d change Cruz’s diaper and get him back to sleep while I went back to bed. It was awesome.

He’s working so hard so that I can stay home with Cruz. He’s sacrificing so much for us and bringing in the equivalent to two incomes. He’s such an amazing man who loves me and Cruz so much.

I would say that these past 8 months with Cruz haven’t always been perfect. But we are a family and Cruz is so lucky to have a daddy like Jason. A dad who will always be there for him. A dad who loves to play and spend time with him. A dad who will work harder and put everything else aside for him.

I am forever thankful to this man, Grandpa, who was also a wonderful husband and father. I really don’t believe Jason would be who he is today if it weren’t for his awesome family- especially his Grandpa. Jason loved his Grandpa so much and we will miss him forever. I know that Cruz will grow up in a home with a loving father because of the example that this man showed him. This is a day that I remember that without him, my son wouldn’t have the daddy he has today. And it reminds me that we are raising up Cruz to be a great daddy to his little ones someday. For that, I am eternally grateful and the luckiest girl in the world. And Cruz is one lucky little boy.

We love you Jason. Thank you for all the sacrifices, struggles, laughter, funny stories and love that we have shared already! We are on this journey together and I wouldn’t want our kids to have any other daddy but YOU! Happy Father’s Day!!

where your treasure is

Sometimes I still struggle with our decision for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I know I always post that I love it and wouldn’t change it and that I am having a blast.

This is all true.

I wouldn’t change anything.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still wonder about whether or not we have done the right thing. Because it is harder.

There are so many things we are having to sacrifice. So many things we want to do and would be able to do if I had a full time job. So many things that would probably be easier if I was working full time and bringing in a steady paycheck. It’s so easy for me to look at the glass as half empty and to get down on myself. It’s easy for me to doubt what we’re doing, to compare myself with others, to want to flash forward to a time when we have enough money and don’t have to worry.

I went to lunch the other day with a good friend. I say she is a good friend not because I’ve known her for a long time. But because she is a good friend. She spoke some truth into my life and I bet she didn’t even know she did it. God used her in a huge way. In such a big way that I am still thinking about her words.

We were talking over chicken nuggets and screaming kids about motherhood, and photography, and ministry and husbands. We were talking about how hard being a mom is for both of us who are extremely independent and who love working. We were talking about the sacrifices it takes and where the sales are for diapers, formula, baby food etc.

Then she said something that I’ve heard a thousand times growing up. I’ve always known this, but I think for once it hit me and I really understood.

She quoted the Bible verse that says “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Matthew 6:21.

She continued to talk about the sacrifice Jason and I are making for me to be home with Cruz. And encouraged me that it’s evident where our treasure is because it is our heart to make it work. To walk through the tough stuff for the sake of our son. To not travel the world right now or wear designer clothes or get new cars. HE is our treasure and that is where our heart is. And honoring God with our money because we don’t have much.

It is the first time that I completely understood this verse, which sounds lame but it is so simple.

As important as Cruz is to me, it’s easy for me to forget where my treasure is. It’s easy to compare our lives to others. To want things that could benefit Cruz (ie. a better car).

And without judging anyone for not staying home with their children, we do know that this is the best thing for Cruz. And where my treasure is, there should be my heart.

I’m not trying to toot my own horn, by any means at all. It was just such a moment of truth for me at lunch over waffle fries and those chicken nuggets. She had no idea that what she said was this encouraging to me.

And there are not many lessons greater than this that I would want to be imbedded into my little ones heart someday.

Where is your treasure? Does your treasure ever get misplaced like it does for me sometimes?

don’t judge me

I have successfully weaned Cruz completely.

And before you judge me, as some might, and go into the whole ‘The AAP says you’re supposed to nurse for the first year exclusively’- know that I am confident that I have made the best decision possible for my little man.

How, you might ask?

Because I know him well and you don’t, for starters.

Second, because this season of my life has been one of the hardest I have ever been through. I am all about sacrificing for your children and I would do anything for Cruz. But there comes a time, I think, when if you aren’t taking care of yourself then you aren’t being the best mom that you can be.

That’s where I’ve been.

I know what ‘people’ say is best. I know what the ‘internet’ says is best. I listen to his doctor and follow her advice usually. But at the end of the day, I have to make a decision about what works. There is no sense in being miserable when there are obviously other options out there. What’s best for you might not be best for me- and I don’t even care if you’re judging me for this!

Like I’ve said in recent posts, (click here) Cruz eats so much that I’ve found it difficult for my body to keep up. He’s past 6 months now and beginning to venture more into eating ‘grown-up foods’, which is awesome! His belly is full, he is chunky, healthy and happy. To top it off, I am happy. If I am happy and relaxed, our home can live in harmony. I feel as though that is an even better gift to give an already perfectly healthy little guy.

This is my opinion, obviously. And frankly, I’m not posting this to start a breast feeding debate. I’m tired of the debate. We are all doing what we can do as mom’s. All of us have our children’s best interest at heart. Why give each other a hard time for only doing the best we can do? Mom’s live with enough guilt as it is!

Trust me, guilt has become a familiarity in my life. I’m told it doesn’t really go away. Why should I make it harder by judging YOU as a mom? There’s no point.

To make an incredibly long story and journey short, I’ve decided that this is the best option for us both. I, for the first time in a long time, can relax. I am not worried about what he’s going to eat or how much.

It’s a new season for me and my little champion eater. I have done the best I can do, I don’t feel guilty about it, and honestly, I’m proud of how long I nursed him. It was a big achievement for me, considering how much I struggled with it.

So judge me or don’t. Just knowing what I know now, I will never judge a mom for wanting to breast feed or not- ever again.