I planned on going back to work after Cruz was born. Not only did I want to, we needed me to go back financially. Jason and I had worked out a good schedule between the two of us- I would go in to work early and leave early. He’d go in later and leave later. Meaning that Cruz would have only been with a sitter two to three hours a day.
That, we could have handled, both emotionally and financially.
I always wanted to be a full time stay at home mom, but just didn’t see when it would be in the cards for me. We are in ministry and everyone knows that you don’t go into ministry for the money. So I wasn’t sure when we’d be in a situation that would allow me to stay home full time. I knew it was the cry of my heart, but I was also trying to be realistic. So I was making the best of our situation and thought I had come up with a plan that would allow me to be the best working mom that I could be. Plus, I really did like my job and had every intention of going back.
Then, my entire world was rocked.
I was no more than 5 days away from my due date when I was sat down at work and informed that my wanted schedule was not approved. Astonished, I desperately tried to work out something; anything that would allow us to do what we thought was best for our baby. With no luck, I was completely devastated. In conversations that same week and prior to my maternity leave, I was told (and I quote), “You have three options here. You can be a full time working mom, a part time working mom, or a full time stay at home mom. I wouldn’t push it.”
Immediately after this was said to me I secretly thought to myself, “Wow, you’re talking to the wrong girl.”
See, I’m the kind of girl that likes to make things happen for myself. I like to strategize and figure out the best possible way to make things work for me and my family and I’ll do anything to make it work. In that meeting, I knew I had to come up with a plan that was best for my family. I wasn’t going to be bullied into working a schedule I wasn’t comfortable with. And I wasn’t going to settle for making less money than I knew I could make. I had a mix of emotions for the remainder of that week. I was devastated, panicked, furious. I was days away from meeting my son and my ‘plan’ (that would have worked perfectly) had vanished. With no time to find another employer who possibly would have worked with me, I spent the nights before my sons birth sobbing in his room while sitting in his rocker. I would sit up until 4:00 am with worry, crying out to God about what we were going to do.
We couldn’t afford daycare full time, and while many moms use daycare and I have nothing against it, I just knew that it wasn’t going to work for us. I wanted to be able to work, help provide for my family and still be a mom that was as hands on as any other mom. I’m a hard worker. I would have successfully done this. And I thought I was working at a place that would have put my family first and I was willing to prove that my work would not have suffered. I would have worked harder.
I went on maternity leave and then Cruz was 9 days late. I had started contemplating the idea of becoming a Pampered Chef consultant and I thought doing that part time would have been a great option that would have allowed me to stay home. I could have even kept my other job while being a consultant and that would have worked. I started crunching numbers and rethinking the job that I currently had. I really struggled wondering, ‘If they can’t help me put my family first before my family is even here, how is it going to be once he arrives?” I had a hard time with the thought of going back. I felt like I had spent a year working harder than I had ever worked, and none of it mattered. I was just filling a position and could be easily replaced.
Then Cruz was born.
And everything they say about becoming a mom is true. It rocked my world in every way possible. And I knew that I had to be somewhere that would help me value this little guy the same way I valued him. I just didn’t know how or where or who that would be and it really seemed like I would have to go back.
I spent all of my maternity leave, in-between feedings and diaper changes, sobbing and crying out to God about what the answer was. What should we do for our family? How are we going to provide? Who should I trust to watch him full time when I go back? I couldn’t believe that I was spending my maternity leave worrying about this. I thought I had had it figured out beforehand and found it extremely unfair to have been presented with this as I was about to pop. I felt robbed of the maternity leave that I had always dreamed of. While Cruz was my focus in those early weeks, I was focused more on how we were going to make this work. Jason finally sat me down near the end of my maternity leave, after watching the worry, the sobbing, the heartache, and told me that I need to stay home. We’d work it out. God would provide. We need to trust. It was obviously not right for me to go back and we both agreed that everything that had happened to me was a slammed door. I should stay home.
So my maternity leave ended and I did not go back. That was never my intention when I got pregnant, but God obviously had other plans for me. So I left my job. Most people thought I had ‘just decided to stay home’, which couldn’t have been a more wrong assumption. We still had no second income for me. I started my business as a Pampered Chef consultant and it actually was going well. I made money, I liked it, it was easy. It wasn’t my passion, but whatever. I was able to stay home with Cruz.
I don’t need to tell you in detail what happened next. Because what happened next was that Jason and I started our own photography business and it exploded. God has provided more than I could have imagined and I am more than able to stay home with all of our children now due to the success we are having. It took a few steps of faith, a huge leap and major sacrifice for a few months while we were figuring it out. I ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the first year of Cruz’s life. I hadn’t shopped much for clothes. And my outings with other mommies were limited.
And it was more than worth it.
I’m not telling you this to brag. I am telling you this because I seriously (without exaggeration) have about 8 women in my life who have recently had babies and who are struggling with the same exact thing. They want to stay home desperately but don’t know how. They have to make a paycheck still and help provide financially. I get it. I have been there. Abandoning my job and hoping that something would work out was the scariest thing I have ever done in my entire life. And it was hard, requiring a lot of sacrifice. But I look back and I am so thankful that doors were slammed in my face while others were opened. Had that never happened, I’d still be working full time somewhere. I never would have ventured out to explore my true passion in this life.
I am a strong believer that if you want to stay home full time with your children, you should do it. It will be hard and scary and will require a lot of sacrifice. But you have options. I knew that those three options I was presented with were not my only options. I knew that I could be a full time stay at home/full time working mom. I knew that I could make it happen and I was on my knees about it for months. And that’s exactly what I am doing.
I can now say, that I am working harder than I have EVER worked in my whole life to try to balance it all. And on days when I feel like I am going crazy and want to cry, I remember that this is exactly what I wanted. This is exactly what I created. This is exactly where I am supposed to be. When I hear other mom’s talking about how they desperately want to stay home, I am always reminded that they CAN.
YOU CAN.
It’s not easy. It’s scary. And it’s possible.
* This is me on my due date, completely about to pop. I. Was. Huge.

Tags: baby, employer, full time working mom, maternity leave, mom, motherhood, stay at home mom