Tag Archives: siblings

dear cruz,

3 Jun

It took almost 8 months, but you finally decided that your brother isn’t actually that bad. Your first bath together was one of my happiest and greatest moments to date as a mamma. Nothing thrilled me more than to watch you two playing together and making each other laugh. I think you sat there for an entire five minutes mimicking Rider’s squeals and babbles and it made him laugh endlessly. Which then made you laugh endlessly. Which made me cry watching you two.

I knew there HAD to be a day that you would come around and enjoy having Rider here. You just weren’t totally into it right from the beginning. And while I did spend sometime stressing out and praying about it, I actually wouldn’t have it any other way! The moment that you wanted to get into the bath and play with Rider for the first time was THE BEST moment. And I’d do the past eight months over again in the same exact way to have my heart as full as it was in that moment.

Totally worth it.

I think I will cherish whatever relationship you have with your brother MORE, simply because it hasn’t been the easiest road ever since we introduced him to you. But I know that you love him. Now that he interacts a little bit more and can already laugh at your jokes, I see a beginning of a very special friendship happening. And it fills my heart and makes me do nothing but want to cry.

I know all too well how special it is to be close to your siblings. To have them as your best friends and to love being with them. I have wanted nothing less for the two of you. And while I realize that I can’t FORCE it to happen in MY time, I have been praying that you two would be close someday.

It just hasn’t happened in my timing. As most things don’t.

I am beyond happy for bath time these days. It’s about fifteen minutes a day where I can count on the fact that you two will play well together. That you will make each other laugh and enjoy being brothers in the water together.

I deeply hope and pray that this is a glimpse into the future for you both. That you will grow up the best of buds and that your adult years will be full of love, friendship and being there for one another. As best friends and family do. I can only hope and pray that you will find friendship in one another as I have in my sisters. Yes, you’ll fight and want to kill each other sometimes. But you’ll be the first to stand up for one another when they need it. Or you’ll be there when hearts get broken, as much as that thought pains me. I pray for a special friendship and bond between the two of you. One that you both will one day realize is so special and that you’ll take care of.

These are the moments that make all the hard stuff SO worth it. All the frustration, sleepless nights, tears- GONE in this instant. And it makes me realize that while this job is HARD (being mom), I’d do all of it all over again to be able to sit and savor moments like these. I’ll never forget this moment, Cruz. When you asked to get into the bath with brother and when you decided that he’s actually not THAT bad after all.

I can only hope and pray for a thousand more moments just like this.

I love you Cruz. You are a special little boy. I pray that you and Rider will have a friendship that will grow over the years in whatever capacity it should grow. I know that you will become the best big brother that there is. And I’m so proud of this sweet moment that you wanted to get in and play with him.

It’s enough to fill my heart for a LONG time.

I love you always,

Mommy

 

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special moments

15 Sep

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions ever since we’ve come home. I expected that, I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and that there was going to be an element of adjustment for us all once Rider arrived. And that’s exactly what we are dealing with. I’m grateful to say that day 2 and day 3 of being home have been significantly easier than day 1. When we got home, Cruz was excited to see us. He was happy for us to be home, but at the same time I could tell that he didn’t understand why we had been gone for so long and why we had brought another little person with us. So he was moody and temperamental all while still staying his sweet little self. But he would have these moments of acting out and weirdness- for lack of a better term. It’s understandable I guess. The little guy went from being the center of our world to us having to divide our attention with his little brother.

When we were in the hospital, he didn’t want much to do with me at all. He would say hi to me and he’d give a kiss when he first got there. But he wouldn’t really come near me much while I was there. I know that it was strange to him- me sitting in a hospital bed, all hooked up to a bunch of things that he doesn’t understand. I couldn’t get up and play with him because I’d just had surgery. And we weren’t at home with him, all of a sudden, for a couple days. Whenever he came, I would just sit there and cry (after I said hi to him). I tried not to let him see me cry because I didn’t want to scare him more. But I was overcome with emotions and fearful that my little relationship with him would change and not be the way it was. It was so amazing to see him because we missed him so much. But it was hard to see him because he acted so differently towards me. I can’t blame him. And I can’t expect him to behave, process and adjust like an adult would. But it was still hard for me to process all of this when he was acting so strange.

We tried to get him to sit in bed with me several times. I couldn’t really get up at first and I definitely couldn’t pick him up once I was up (I still can’t pick him up) so we always tried to see if he wanted to sit with me. The answer was always no, which I tried to be patient with, even though I really wanted to just snuggle with him and remind him how much I love and missed him. But I was patient. Finally on the last night that I was in the hospital, my mom and sisters brought him to visit us. Towards the end of the trip we asked him if he wanted to sit with Mamma. Ok, we bribed him with asking him if he wanted to play with the  buttons. HA! But he said yes! So my mom put him right next to me for a few minutes. Jay grabbed the camera and snapped one of my most favorite pictures I’ve ever had taken of myself with Cruz. I think it was just such a special moment for me- I missed him incredibly and it was finally a little bonding time for just me and him after Rider’s arrival. Jay showed me the picture and I just bursted into tears. Actually, everyone in the room started crying too. It was such a special moment- one I’ll never, ever forget.

Then we got home and that first day was hard. HARD. Really, really hard. We could tell Cruz was unsure of everything that was going on. I was super sore from surgery, very emotional from having Rider and all the fun hormonal junk that happens, and we were all exhausted. I think I just cried all afternoon. Cruz wouldn’t come to me at all- it sort of felt like he was mad at me- which just tore me up. Thankfully, Rider’s been a very easy baby so taking care of him has really been second nature. He sleeps a lot, cries very little and we are already on a ‘schedule’ of sorts. Praise God. So Monday was horrible. I went to bed thinking, ‘What did we do? This isn’t going to work.’ even though I knew those thoughts were ridiculous. It was just a very hard day for us.

Tuesday was better. I woke up with a newer outlook on the situation, determined to make it a better day. And it was! We still had (and are having) tense moments with adjusting, but it IS getting easier. So I was sitting on the couch early in the day- I had just finished feeding Rider and he was in a ‘food coma’. So I grabbed the camera to snap a few pictures of just him as he was laying there. He’s just such a sweetie and I’m trying to take as many pictures as I can so he has enough of him too. These are a couple that I snapped:

When I looked up, I saw Cruz standing about 3 feet away from us and just watching me taking pictures of Rider.

“Hey Cruz, you wanna come give the baby kisses?” I asked.

“Yes.” he said and walked over to give him kisses. I snapped ferociously and I was able to take some of my most favorite pictures to date of my two boys. After Cruz finished kissing him, he came around the front of Rider, climbed up on the couch a little bit and proceeded to check him out and take it all in. I kept snapping. Cruz kept looking at the baby, then he’d look at me and point and say “Baby!”. And I’d agree and give him praise for being such a sweet boy and good big brother to Rider. He was so interested for a few short minutes, and I happened to get it all on camera. Finally, Cruz ran off, remembering that he has new toys to play with that we brought home with us from the hospital. I reviewed the pictures I took and just cried some more (I seriously can’t help it right now). But it was a little glimmer of hope that these two actually ARE going to be ok. Cruz will adjust and care for him and love him. He knows how much we love him still but he also sees how much we love Rider too. And it’s teaching him that it’s ok for him to love him too. After these short moments, Cruz now always wants to give Rider kisses. He loves to help us pat his back when we are burping him. And he tries to share his toys with him, sort of (which still freaks me out because I’m afraid he’s going to throw them at Rider). But I had to share these moments with you. In the few short days since we’ve been home, we’ve had some amazing and some not so amazing moments. Adapting to two kids has been harder than I anticipated it to be. But I have two amazing kids. I’m trying to be patient, cry when I need to, and let go of all expectations I have for my boys at this point. We are getting there and it will get easier. And it’s the moments like these that make ALL of it worth it. These pictures, I will cherish forever. They are some of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken, and a symbol of what the future holds for our family.

These are two very sweet little boys. And amidst the emotions, sleep deprivation and tears, I do realize that I am extremely lucky and blessed. It doesn’t get better than this: