Tag Archives: pregnancy

it’s time

1 Oct

Yes. It is time to snap to it and do something about this lingering baby weight. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Jess, you JUST had a baby 5 minutes ago. You should cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break!”. And while I LOVE the way your brain works, you would be wrong. This is not the time to cut myself some slack. If I don’t jump in head first and get back on track I fear I am never going to.


I have rejoined Weight Watchers and I have begun an eating “plan” of sorts. If you’ve known me for any length of time, you should know that I had HUGE success with Weight Watchers a few years ago. I found myself in a similar situation with no baby to blame the weight gain on. I knew that I needed to loose some pounds before we actually did decide to start a family. And I am SO glad I did. I lost almost 50 pounds the first time around and became a Lifetime Member with Weight Watchers, making the program completely free for me today- especially since I am nursing! So I am doing the Nursing program with Weight Watchers and have about 30 pounds to loose. I’m starting on getting my eating and calorie intake under control so that when my doctor clears me to excersise (probably at my 6 week appointment) I can start doing P90X again.

Intense? Yes. But I refuse- REFUSE- to hang on to this baby weight. I understand that it’s important to maintain the health of the baby and pregnancy, but the baby is out now and the weight should be on it’s way as well.

Anyways. I’m blogging about this for some form of accountability. So expect updates. And if you see me, feel free to ask me how it’s going. I’ll make sure to blog updates on my successes and failures. I know every mom can relate to gaining/loosing/hanging onto weight. And it’s not an easy subject to talk about. But the way I figure it, if more of us are talking about it, maybe we’ll have less to be insecure about and more support in our lives to make the changes we need to.

So here’s to taking off the baby weight!

rider easton williams

14 Sep

He is here!! Rider Easton Williams made his arrival on September 10th, 2010 at 9:15 in the morning. He weighed 8 lbs 6 ozs and was 20 in long. AND- his hair is DARK! Ha! It’s so awesome. I’ve been meaning to blog this post since well, Friday. But as you can imagine, life has been a little hectic since then. I did go ahead and opt for the c-section, so the weekend has been full of adjusting and recovering from surgery. But I have been dying to post a few pictures of him and his arrival. I will be posting several more posts about the details of his arrival and other things I am learning through this process. But for now, it’s kind of late. I gotta feed Rider soon and I need to try to get some sleep tonight while I can. In the meantime, we are pleased and proud to introduce you to our newest little boy…

Rider Easton Williams!!

dear cruz,

9 Sep

You are about to become a big brother. A BIG BROTHER! It’s pretty crazy that God has chosen you to be a big brother to a little brother. There really is nothing like having a younger sibling or two. Being the oldest is something special indeed. You will have Rider who will look up to you, respect you and want to BE you in a lot of ways. I pray every day that your friendship and love for each other is as strong as me and my sisters. It’s really special Cruz, to have a little brother. It’s something that will be annoying at times and one that you’ll truly grow to value in your life. There aren’t many people who are more important than my sisters. It’s a very special relationship that will always be apart of your life soon here! Mommy and Daddy are so excited for this new change- to add Rider to our crazy life and to bring him home to meet you! For so long you’ve just been talking to and kissing my belly, trying to understand what we mean when we tell you that your brother is in there. And you get to meet him soon! And he will be your little brother always; someone who thinks you are the greatest person on earth and who just wants to be near you, with you and just like you. You have a special role, my son, as big brother. And Mommy can’t believe it’s almost here!

Mommy has been making sure to do some fun things with you this week. We had a special ‘cookie date’ at Paradise Bakery, where I learned that you LOVE the sprinkle cookies as much as I do! I tried to eat the cookie fast so I could have some too, but you loved it and so while we tried to share, you pretty much ate all of it. Ha! Mommy loved sitting there with you as you played with Woody, Buzz and your cars, knowing that these were one of our last little ‘dates’ where Rider wasn’t in the picture. I truly took it all in, watching you eat, laugh and play. Chocolate chips ALL over your mouth and letting you take sips of soda. It was a great memory for Mommy and I always have the best time when it’s the two of us.

Daddy and I took you to Peter Piper Pizza, wondering if there would be things for you to do there since you are so little. But you LOVED it. You loved ‘playing ski-ball’ with Daddy, riding the carousel and playing other various games that you really are too young to play right now. And although you wouldn’t even TASTE the pizza (you’re missing out kid!) you were such a blast to hang out with. When it was time to leave, you didn’t want to go, asking for More! More! We’ll go back there soon, I promise.

I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what life’s going to look like once Rider’s here. And Mommy has been crying a lot lately, at the thought of it not just being us two anymore. I always wonder if I have had enough time with just you. And while God’s design for our family has looked different than what we planned at this point, we are SO excited for Rider to come. The uncertainty of it all makes me nervous, but I know that God’s grace will cover us and I pray more than anything that it will cover YOU. That this transition will be smooth and gentle on your tender spirit. I promise that Mommy will still give you all the same love and more after Rider comes. I promise that Mommy and Daddy will always take care of you like we do right now. And I promise that once Mommy is feeling better after having Rider, we will have many more cookie dates and McDonald’s dates like we do now. You are my special first born child. I can’t imagine ever loving another child the way I love you. And yet, I know I am about to experience it. I am about to enter into a world where I have TWO little boys to love on and cherish. How did I get so lucky, Cruz? How did God choose YOU to be a part of Mommy and Daddy’s lives? You will never be forgotten as we add onto our family. You will never be left behind. You will always be my little Cruzer, someone who is incredibly special to us and who has changed our lives in all the best ways possible.

You are going to be a big brother. Wow. You are going to be the best big brother there is, I just know it. And always remember how much Mommy and Daddy love you. Always remember how much we are blessed by you. And when you’re a little older and Rider’s getting on your nerves, remember what it means to be a big brother. Have patience with him. He loves and looks up to you so much and only wants to be with and like you every second. You’re one cool dude in his world. Give him grace and space to be his own person. Come to his defense when he needs it, but step back from time to time too. I will always be praying for a healthy brotherly love for you two- that you would be the best of friends who play hard and fight some too (it’s good for the soul!). But that at the end of the day, you would both be Godly men who seek Jesus in every aspect of your lives. And that you would encourage one another, lift each other up, and be the best of friends. No matter how hard life gets or where it may take you.

Mommy loves you Cruz. You are so special to me. You’ve taught me more in these past 22 months than I’ve ever learned in my whole life. Seeing the world through your eyes has taught me more about myself, my friendships, and my perspective than ever before. And you didn’t even know you were doing that for me! You are a very special little guy- the coolest kid on the block, but one with such a sweet, tender spirit and gentle demeanor. Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t change what we have in you for anything. We love you tremendously Cruz. There is no one else like you.

I love you so much,



2 Sep

Do you ever have days where you just feel so overwhelmed? Where you just want to crawl back into bed and start the day over? Or even better, wake up and it’s tomorrow? Do you ever just cry all day long for a thousand different reasons but really there is no reason to cry? Because when you think about all the things in your life, you realize that you actually have it pretty good and then you immediately feel guilty for feeling like everything is crap. Especially when you know it’s not crap. It’s just a bad day. And you’re just overwhelmed. And you just need to cry it out and for things to look a little more clear. And for things to not be so well… overwhelming.

Ya. I feel this way too. It’s been a really bad day. And I woke up with a sore throat, which is the last thing I need.

I constantly try to fill my mind with Philippians 4:6- “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” And I try to fill my mind with Matthew 6:34- “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” But honestly, being anxious, overwhelmed and worried are REAL struggles for me. I hate days like today. We have a lot of change coming up along with a VERY busy season which is already in full swing. And I have just got a lot to process. And I am learning how to say no to certain things when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard for me. Today has been hard for me. I have a lot to adjust to coming up and I don’t really do change very well. It’s all so exciting with the baby coming, but to be honest I feel totally overwhelmed with it too.

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I know we will be ok and that he will give us the grace for each day once the baby comes. And I’m thankful for all the help that my mom, sisters and close friends are ALREADY providing us with in preparation for Rider’s arrival. I couldn’t do it without them. It’s just an overwhelming day. And everyone’s allowed one of those, right? A good cry (or several good cries) only makes things look clearer, right?

So here’s to the rest of the day, and hoping that I can just get it together. So maybe here’s to tomorrow?

stupid comments

30 Aug

Do you ever wonder why people feel the need to make stupid comments to pregnant people? I’m not talking about the usual, “How are you feeling?” “Are you hanging in there?” “When’s your due date?” etc. THOSE are normal questions. Normal questions that don’t bother me at all this time around and questions I get every day. It’s ok. I am surrounded by great friends, near and far, that only care for me and my family and want to make sure I’m hanging in there now that it’s the end. I get it.

I’m talking about stupid comments from people who you DON’T know. Complete strangers that feel the need to speak up, ask dumb questions, make unnecessary comments and for why? WHY? Why is it necessary that if you DON’T KNOW ME that you must open your mouth to say stupid stuff? I’m not understanding. But my ENTIRE weekend was filled up with me running into complete strangers that just felt the need to speak their mind, regardless of how it might make me feel. Now I understand that they probably didn’t mean harm. And that I shouldn’t care what strangers think- and I DON’T. But when you’re in public, it can be embarrassing because there are usually other people around. Plus, I’m usually with Cruz, it’s hot outside AND I’m uncomfortable. So please, Mr. Cashier, please make my day worse by your small talk that is only making you sound like a moron.

Situation #1:

I was in a Starbucks and I had just finished meeting with a client who hired us to photograph her wedding. She was super sweet and we had just finished the greatest conversation. I was in a great mood, so I thought I’d grab an ice tea as I was on my way out the door. I’m standing in line- I’m NOT EVEN NEXT IN LINE and the associate behind the counter says,

“Oh my gosh! Are you carrying twins???!”

To which I smile and say,

“No… No I’m not.”

And then SHE says,

“There’s no possible way there’s only ONE baby in there! You’re HUGE!”

I smile a courtesy smile, take a deep breath and say,

“Ya, I just have large babies. There’s only one in there and I’m due in less than two weeks.”

I’m glad she’s still smiling at me because I can feel my mood changing and I can feel my conscious telling me to guard my mouth and not to say what I’m REALLY thinking. Before I have a chance to say anything else, it’s my turn to order. So I step up to the counter, not remembering the drink I wanted because I’m so caught off guard at how rude she was, when all of a sudden ANOTHER associate comes out from the back and starts unpacking boxes. I order my drink and look down the counter to notice that he’s staring at me. I smile (kind of) and HE says, (and I’m NOT joking)

“Wow! Are you having twins??”

I laugh a little, but I’m really thinking This is unbelievable! and I say,

“Nope. There’s just one in there and I’m due in less than two weeks.”

And then HE says,

“No way! There HAS to be two in there!”

To which I say,

“There’s really, really not two in there. But thanks!”

By then my drink is ready and I grab it and leave. I make it to the car in time to burst out in sobbing tears. I couldn’t help it. All of Starbucks was looking at the huge pregnant lady who was being asked loudly by their workers if she’s having twins when I’m not. As if I REALLY wanted to stand there and discuss how big my belly actually is. I KNOW IT’S BIG. It was even bigger when I was pregnant with Cruz! Why do strangers feel the need to bring it up? And then doubt me when I say I actually AM only having ONE baby???

Situation #2:

So later that day I had a Boudoir photo shoot lined up. I ran into The Cheesecake Factory to grab a slice of cheesecake for a prop for the shoot (ooo la la!) and I was feeling pretty good and excited for the afternoon that lied ahead. The girl behind the counter was perfectly nice and making small talk with me while I ordered my cheesecake to go. In the middle of our conversation, a waitress (who didn’t need to be apart of our conversation) came behind the counter, looking at me and asks,

“Oh my gosh! Are you having twins??”

I courtesy smile again, but kind of pissed now, and say,

“No. I’m not having twins.”

To which she says,

“Do you just carry really high then? Because that’s a pretty good baby bump you’ve got going there!”

To which I say,

“Thanks. Ya, I must.”

That remark was followed by her asking when I’m due, what I’m having etc. And I didn’t leave sobbing, but I did leave wondering what on earth is going on?? I’m over nine months pregnant! You aren’t supposed to look perfect, but I didn’t think I looked like I was carrying TWINS! I never got that remark when I was pregnant with Cruz and I WAS actually huge! So I was completely dumbfounded and I sent Jay a text telling him what happened, AGAIN, and you can imagine how the rest of that conversation went. Good grief.

Situation #3:

Fast forward to Sunday. I had breakfast with a dear friend in the morning and after I left, Cruz and I headed over to Target to get some diapers. It was very busy, so I stood in line for a while until another line opened up. Once it did, I moved over to the line that had just opened because Cruz was getting fussy and I needed to get out of there. So I walk up and the cashier is oooo-ing and aaahh-ing over Cruz. And he’s saying ‘Hi!’ and being his charming little self. Then she looks at me and says,

“When are you due?”

And I say,

“In less than two weeks.”

And she says,

“Aw that’s great! Do you know what you’re having?”

And I said,

“Yes, I’m having another boy!”

She scrunches up her nose and says,

“Aw… well that’s too bad. Maybe next time!”

I am shocked at her response and say,

“No I’m beyond thrilled to be having another boy! I don’t care whether I have boys or girls- as long as they’re healthy I’m happy!”

And she says,

“Oh really? Well that’s good I guess.”

I finished paying and walked away thinking, What on earth JUST happened? Should I not be excited because I’m having a BOY? What is WRONG with people? Who says that to a pregnant lady who is about to burst at any second with her SON?? Of course I’d love to have a girl, but the truth is, if boys is all we have I will be THRILLED. Coming from someone who’s had two miscarriages, I’m thrilled to have healthy children at all! It doesn’t matter one bit to me if we have boys or girls but,


I was so confused when we left, I just laughed to myself wondering if I had just imagined that conversation. Did I imagine it?? I don’t even know. I would NEVER say something like that to a pregnant lady. Is it just me? Do these places need to review their customer service etiquette? I stopped taking in personal, because I know people don’t mean harm, but seriously? Isn’t it common sense that you aren’t supposed to INSULT someone to their face?

I can laugh about it now and I am awaiting the comments while I’m out. I seem to be a magnet for them these days. Or maybe it was just last weekend? Who knows. I really think people need to think before they speak to anyone. Especially someone who’s about to birth an ENTIRE HUMAN.


pool on the porch

29 Aug

Lately, our days have been filled up with this:

Since I am at the end of my pregnancy, I’m sure you can imagine that the last thing I feel like doing is getting into my bathing suit (that doesn’t fit anymore) and lugging toys, towels, water and a toddler down to the pool everyday. Which we literally used to do almost every day for a couple months. But now that I’m at the end, we definitely don’t go to the pool as often. It’s hot. The water’s not even cold. So this pregnant lady doesn’t even get a cool off that would be worth the trip since the pool water is probably almost 90 degrees.


I do still have a toddler that needs to get outside and regardless of how I’m feeling, he’s got a TON of energy that doesn’t expire except for at nap time and at bed time. If he’s not sleeping, he’s running around with endless energy and it’s my job to find constructive ways for him to use it. But then I feel horrible during the end of this pregnancy and all I want to do is lay down, which probably won’t happen until the year 2019. Or later. I’ve accepted it. It’s ok.

So I bought a little pool for our porch that he can at least play in occasionally or if I’m having a really horrible day and don’t feel like going anywhere. He LOVES it. It sits on our porch and I fill it up with water when he wants to ‘swim’. It’s been a blessing because it was very inexpensive ($6.99 at Target) and it allows me to SIT DOWN. I don’t have to put my bathing suit on. I don’t have to get into the water. I sit in the door way and watch and play with him from there. It is awesome and was money well spent for me at this point. Ha!

But he’s so cute about it! He’ll stand at the doorway, ask to ‘swim’, we throw on a swim diaper, I fill it up with water (yes, from the sink) and he always plays in it for no less than an hour! It fills up our mornings if I don’t have errands to run and it also can fill up our afternoons after his nap and before dinner. It’s been such a lifesaver! Once Rider is born, I know this little pool with be a great help to me because it will preoccupy Cruz for small spurts while we all transition to life with a newborn.

The other day, I sat outside with him while Jason filled it with water. I snapped some pictures of him because he’s just too cute and loves it so much. Plus, I always want to remember what we did together in our last couple weeks together of it just being me, him and Jason. Every day is special for this rad little kid. I’m so blessed to have such a great little guy who is a ton of work, but only because he’s full of energy. He’s so full of life and wants to experience everything. And for that, I am so grateful.

What a little stud in his manly swim diaper! I love this age, even though it can be really difficult sometimes. Mostly, it’s a lot of fun and he’s just the coolest kid.

37 weeks

27 Aug

I am 37 weeks pregnant today. And I hate just always complaining on this blog about how I feel awful, but it’s the truth. I feel awful. The baby has lowered even more, which is doing nothing more than placing pressure on my sciatic nerve and other joints- making it not only more painful but super painful to walk. It’s really fun. And then it’s giving me a headache and a pretty bad backache too.

It’s really fun.

So while I am truly sorry to continue to be ‘Debbie Downer’, this is the truth in how I’m feeling. And I DO know that I’m almost done. That doesn’t make the next two weeks seem any shorter. I KNOW it will be worth it once he’s here. Also doesn’t make me feel better today. There’s not much anyone can say or do that makes me feel better these days. I just need to have the baby. And while I am uncomfortable, I do hope he waits until he’s considered full term. It’s a double edged sword for me these days.

Sorry I’ve been MIA on this blog again these past few days. I’ve have lots of things to say and write about, but I just feel super crummy. AND we’ve been very, VERY busy with work and with getting things ready for this little guy to come. I’m trying to get things organized so I can just focus on Rider and Cruz once he’s born and so I’ll be able to take a small break once he’s here. It’s the planner in me, what can I say?

So if you see or run into me within these next couple weeks, you can just go ahead and assume that I’m feeling pretty awful. But I have high hopes and I’m trying to keep my spirits up! After all, he’s healthy and active. I couldn’t ask for more, really. Well, maybe just a little relief would be nice. But if it’s not in the cards for me, he’ll be here before I know it and I’ll be dealing with other discomforts. HA.

On that note, here’s a fun picture of Rainbow Bright. Maybe it’ll brighten your day too?

nine months pregnant

20 Aug

Today I am exactly nine months pregnant. 36 weeks. Almost done.

You know, they should REALLY rewrite all the school books and educate our young women so that they know that most women are ACTUALLY PREGNANT TEN MONTHS. NOT NINE. I still have 3-4 weeks to go and that’s if Rider doesn’t decide to come early! Which, let’s face it. This is MY child we are talking about here. He won’t come early on his own. I’ll be shocked if he does. I have no expectations for an unplanned surprise such as my water breaking or going into labor at 37 or 38 weeks. Do I want it to happen? Um, YES. Am I expecting it? Um, NO. My pregnancy with Cruz was 10.5 months, as he was almost 2 weeks late.

Remember how I keep saying that there’s SO MUCH STUFF that people don’t tell you before you get pregnant? Yes. That’s one of them. Most women are actually pregnant for more than nine months and usually more than ten.

I had my 36 week appointment yesterday and everything looks great! He’s healthy, happy and I’m not dilated at all. This wasn’t a surprise to me, but it’s good to know where I’m at right? I’m going to the doctor every week now. I’m super uncomfortable, dealing with joint pain and hungry ALL THE TIME. Kind of like how I was in my first trimester. So I’ve stocked up on carrots and hummus because you can only eat crap for so long before you start feeling like, well… crap. I’m not swollen at all, which is different than my pregnancy with Cruz. When I was pregnant with Cruz I couldn’t wear my wedding ring starting my 8th month. This time around I actually still have my ring on! I didn’t gain any weight this week, which was surprising, bringing my weight gain to just over 30 lbs. Also refreshing from the 54 lbs I gained with Cruz.

So things look good! I’m starting to pack our hospital bags because before you know it, we’ll be there and we’ll be holding our little Rider man! It’s pretty nuts how fast this pregnancy went. I’m SO anxious to be a mamma of two babies and the adjustment that’s going to take place. I pray every day that it won’t be as hard as I’m anticipating it to be. But if it is, I know that God won’t give me more than we can handle and that it will all be ok.

You might have to remind me that I said that on some days. Or maybe not. Who knows.

Thanks for journeying with me these past nine months. They have been full of so much change for us. It’s been a whirlwind that’s for sure! And I can’t believe in a couple short weeks I’ll have my second little guy in my arms. A mom of two boys.

How’d I get so lucky?

saturday favorite #31

14 Aug

I had a pretty bad day yesterday. I was an emotional wreck, that’s for sure. I think I woke up crying, not kidding, and I pretty much didn’t stop all day. I woke up feeling awful and it’s really hard to start your day knowing that you have to get through the entire day, but your whole body hurts terribly, and you have a toddler. Thank God Jason was home all day yesterday! So then we went to the doctor and the nurse talked with me about weight, stretch marks and delivery- you know, all the horrible stuff that every pregnant lady wants to FORGET. Needless to say, she left my room and I started sobbing. Jason was just looking at me like, seriously? HA! And I knew the nurse meant well, but I just feel yucky these days. So then my doctor came in, as I’m crying of course, and I proceed to cry through the whole visit. She leaves and asks me if there’s reason for her to be worried about me, which of course I say no. I’m just having an emotional day and we’re all allowed to cry a lot once in a while, right?

But she did tell me that maybe I should get a belly band of some kind. That it would relief the pressure and life the baby up a little bit helping take some of the pressure off of my joints. I smiled and nodded thinking, yep we aren’t going to be spending money on that! But then I got in the car and told Jay that it might actually really be worth it for me to get one if it means I can be even a sliver more comfortable than I am now.

He completely agreed. Thank God for amazing and supportive husbands!

So to Babies R Us we went! They didn’t have a huge selection of belly bands, and I probably could have shopped around a little more. But I didn’t really want to. So I ended up getting the Support in Style Maternity Band from Boppy and boy oh boy- it TOTALLY helped! We purchased it and I headed straight to the bathroom to put it on. It definitely lifted my tummy and did relief a lot of pressure from my hips, which made this purchase MORE than worth it!

The rest of my day was still pretty emotional, I’m not going to lie. I think I cried at almost anything. But I could at least stand or sit or bend over without wanting to die, making this Saturday Favorite a big time keeper!

bedtime tears

10 Aug

This is a new one for me. Cruz has ALWAYS gone to bed very, very easily. Not many tears, not much fighting it. We just sing a song and I put him in his crib, say goodnight and walk out. Very simple. The past couple nights, I’ll sing him a song while he lays his head on my shoulder and after I’m done singing, he starts crying hysterically. So I’ll sing the song to him one more time. As soon as I start singing, he lays his head back down on my shoulder and when I’m done he starts crying. So instead of singing again, I try to explain to him that it’s time to go to sleep in his bed. As I try to lift him over the crib, he grips his legs to me clinging for dear life and cry’s. Really hard.


I finally lay him down (as he’s screaming) and I tell him to lay on his pillow. Then I rub his back and his face to reassure him that everything’s ok. After I rub his back, he says “Ni Ni Mamma!” and I tell him I love him and walk out. End of the problem. I try to remain as calm as possible, even though I’m really frustrated and him clinging to me REALLY hurts, because I don’t want to make whatever stress he’s going through worse. I really don’t want bedtime to be a negative thing. So I try to stay super patient with him. But I’m not sure what’s going on. He doesn’t do this during his naps. Is he afraid of the dark? I have a night light in his room. Does he just want to stay up and play? Is he manipulating me? Did something happen around bedtime that now scares him? Does he know that in a few short weeks life as he knows it is going to change completely, and he just wants to be with me?

I don’t even know. He’s such a good communicator- saying so many words and different phrasings that I can understand. But sometimes he can’t quite communicate what his exact feelings are. And that’s frustrating as a mamma. Especially when I have no idea what is causing him to act so strangely at bedtime. I’m hoping it’s a phase.

I’ve really started working on Rider’s room the past couple days. Cleaning, setting things up, washing his clothes, organizing his closet. Is Cruz noticing the change and starting to get antsy? I really think that he KNOWS there’s a change coming. I know he can’t fully comprehend what, but I know he knows something is coming. And I really don’t want the next few weeks to be full of anxiety for him, so I’m trying (between the joint pain, migraines and severe uncomfortableness) to remain as calm and anxiety free as possible. I really want this transition to be smooth for him, in every way possible.

So I’m praying a lot these days for my little guy. For my family. I know that everything will be ok. So many people have multiple children and it all turns out  more than alright. But it’s still new territory for us. Jason and I have had a billion conversations about how we can make this transition smooth for him. We have talked to a couple family members about helping with him while I’m in the hospital and about helping once I’m home, if it’s needed. We’ve come up with a plan for visitors in the hospital AND once we’re home to keep things very even keeled for him, well… and for us. I’m a big planner and I am a big space person. Meaning, I need lots of it during big life changes. So we are trying to plan, as best as we can, so things aren’t stressful for Cruz or for Rider as he comes home to meet his brother.

Why did I tell you all that? This was supposed to be a post about my bedtime issues with Cruz and it turned into the whole transition that lies ahead. I’m just wondering if he’s sensing things are going to change and if that’s why he’s been so weird at bedtime. So I’m trying to stay aware of his little feelings. This is a busy season for us, but I’ll pull back on what we are doing if that means that I can put my little man first. To reassure him that mommy loves him and that even though changes are happening and busy times are coming, he will not be forgotten by me or Jason. He will not be left with sitters for hours on end. And he will not be less important than our little Rider man.

I’m sure he’s not even thinking all of that. But I think that I don’t give that kid enough credit. He’s pretty smart and is trying to communicate something with me. Trying to sort it all out is difficult as a mamma. Trying to make the right decisions for him is hard as a mamma. So I pray a lot these days. Trying to keep my emotions as level as possible around him. Trying love on him as much as possible. Because these are the last few weeks of just the three of us. And I couldn’t be more excited and terrified at the same time.