Tag Archives: fear

truth

23 Feb

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dear cruz,

20 Jan

If I could teach you just one thing in this life, aside from teaching you about Jesus, I hope and pray that I can teach you this:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9

This is something that I am still trying to learn. It’s something I struggle with every day, and something I pray that I won’t struggle with for much longer. But this passage is really hard for me. It’s hard, in this world we live in, to not be anxious about anything. To not worry about everything. To not be fearful.

I understand, completely.

Cruz, when life is overwhelming, when your mind won’t shut off, when fear takes over and when you’re anxious about so many things and you don’t know why- know that you can trust our Almighty Savior. Mediate on this passage. Trust in Jesus. And pray without ceasing. There’s so much about this life and this world that doesn’t make sense. There’s so much bad, anger and hate in the world and it is scary. Evil is scary. This life is only for a moment. Don’t waste your whole life being afraid and anxious about everything. Dwell on things that are pure and right and honorable. Fill your mind with the positive. Surround yourself with things that are true and pure. Guard your heart. Guard your mind. God promises peace. God is peace. Fill your life with Him, and you will live a life of peace. Even if everything around you is not peaceful.

I pray for you every day, Cruz. I pray that you and Rider both will live lives that are free of anxiety and fear. Lives that are full of peace and truth and honor. Do not be afraid. God is with you and will uphold you. Trust in Him, for He never fails.

I love you, my sweet boy.

Mommy

 


anxious again

11 Dec

Lately, I’ve been struggling with and having anxiety again. I struggled with anxiety before Cruz was born, and even sought some therapy for it. It helped a great deal and I thought I was maybe getting through it and working on stuff. Then I got pregnant with Cruz and my entire mind shifted to him. He became my every thought. My anxiety didn’t matter anymore, because I had a little baby that I needed to make sure made it to full term. I didn’t have time to be anxious about stuff. Then he was born and figuring out mommyhood consumed my mind. Those first few months are rough and any anxious thoughts I had, were directly stemmed from whether or not he was eating enough, sleeping enough etc. It was a different kind of anxiety and I didn’t feel it was in vain. It was because I was trying to take the best care possible of my little boy.

Now I kinda feel like I’ve gotta handle on being mommy. Although I am aware that you never stop learning as a mom (or as a human for that matter) and every stage brings new challenges and new anxieties. But I don’t feel as anxious about being a mom as I did in those first few months. But I do feel anxious again.

I’m not sure what it is, either. And it’s kinda freaking me out because this is how I felt the last time I struggled with it. I had a period of time where I couldn’t be in big groups of people for too long because the walls would start to cave in. Panic attacks are not new to me. I haven’t had one in a long time, and I pray I don’t ever again. They are not fun and they are very scary. But even as I sit here, this morning- this calm, quiet, nobody’s awake yet morning- I am anxious. God tells us not to be anxious about anything, but to pray about everything. Wow that’s hard. It’s something I should probably tattoo on my wrist so I’m reminded about it daily.

Seriously.

It’s such an internal struggle for me. And the anxieties I have are really, really trivial. If I even tried to write out what’s making me anxious this morning, you would just say “Well, stop thinking that way.” or “You’re reading into stuff.” or “I’m sure it’s not really that bad.”

And none of that would help. Because I already know all that. It’s getting my brain to really understand that, that’s the hard part.

You can say it probably has to do with all the change we’ve been through in the past few months. And that we still don’t have a job (although we are getting closer to that!!) and that life is probably stressing me out. That we’re so busy that I haven’t really had a second to just breathe. That I’m a social person and haven’t had much contact with my friends, which kills me. That the two miscarriages I’ve had and all the emotions that come with that are still catching up to me. That the thought of moving anywhere is terrifying and overwhelming. That while I’m grateful for the fact that we lost our job, I’m still angry with certain individuals over the whole mess.

And you’d be right. I’m sure it does have to do with all of that.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. This is actually turning out to be a very vulnerable blog post for me. And I’m not even sure where I’m going with it. I guess I just need you to pray for me- whatever prayer looks like for you, dear reader. Please pray for me. Satan attacks my thought life in every way possible, all the days of my life. It’s always been a huge struggle for me, even as a kid. I don’t want to get sucked back into the road of panic attacks and fearful living. I’ve been doing so well with it and I need it stay that way. Jason and Cruz need it to stay that way too. I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m doing awful- I’m not! I’ve just been having anxious thoughts again and taking them captive is the hardest thing for me to do.

I didn’t know what to write this morning. And all of this just came out. It’s pretty hard for me to write about this, because it’s something that I can easily hide and just let it fester within me. But I need to be honest. And while I’m happy and grateful and thrilled for new adventures, I’m also having days where I deeply struggle. We all wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have our ups and downs, right?

So if you think of me, please say a quick prayer for me. Today has already started off with me waking up anxiously, and this road of anxiety can’t be in my life again. It just can’t. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Maybe what I need is just a good ol’ girls night out!

And if you’re up for that, let me know.