Tag Archives: emotions

getting it better

11 Feb

I had a great weigh-in yesterday! This is my second week back at doing Weight Watcher’s the right way (meaning, I’m not just tracking my points SOME of the time, but ALL of the time) and it’s really making a difference. I wish I wouldn’t have been so lazy about it earlier and maybe I actually could have lost the weight before 2011. But no regrets, only looking forward right? I weighed in yesterday and I lost five pounds this week! FIVE! I was on cloud nine when I stepped off the scale and it was really the motivation boost I needed to get me started on week 3. I stayed for the meeting again and it was PACKED this time. I’m not sure why, but it was nice for it to be full. I’m really loving this program this time around. I love the changes they’ve made to it. And I love that it actually really works. And that it works while I definitely ate a Big Mac last week. I didn’t have fries with it, but I for sure ate a Big Mac. Ha. It’s awesome that I don’t have to cut anything out of my diet. Because this isn’t a diet. It’s a life change and a different frame of mind. But I can still eat some of my favorite foods, whenever I want. You know what I call this?

FREEDOM.

I’m not tied to cutting out carbs or dairy or sweets or anything like that. And if you really work the program, it’ll really work for you. Do I sound like a commercial? Yes, I do tend to sound that way when talking about Weight Watchers because I love it that much, believe in it that much and it’s works like crazy.

During the meeting yesterday, my team leader talked a lot about emotional eating. When he first brought it up I thought, ‘Oh I’m definitely not an emotional eater,’ and I think to SOME extent this is true. But according to his definition of emotional eating, I think WE ALL have fallen victim to it. And it doesn’t mean that you’re a hot mess too, just because you’re an ’emotional eater’.

Emotional eating is eating anytime you are not hungry.

Whoops. Yep, I’ve definitely done that. Do you know what it feels like to feel actually hungry? To eat something not just because it’s lunchtime but because you’re actually hungry? What a concept, huh? That is after all, how God created us but I do it all the time. Eat with kids when I’m not really starving. Or skip breakfast because I think it will help me. Why am I not listening to my body?? So I started thinking about what I’m feeling when I’m eating when I’m not hungry. And I concluded to two different things: Boredom and Anxiety. Weird huh? I don’t really eat when I’m sad or mad or happy. If I had a bad day, I don’t usually think to go eat an entire pie. I like celebrating with food, sure. But EVERY time I’m happy I’m not reaching for the ice-cream. But I did realize that a lot of the time that I’m eating when I’m not hungry, it’s because I’m bored or need a pick me up. Or I’m eating because I feel anxious and it does temporarily get my mind off of whatever is making me feel insecure or anxious.

Emotional eating is a learned inadequate response to life.

So I’m learning to break some bad habits I developed and actually listen to my body again. And when I’m not hungry and reaching for something salty or sweet, I’m trying to stop myself and think about what the real issue is. Last night, I wasn’t super hungry but I wanted something sweet for dessert. I stopped myself and concluded that I was just bored. I had been sitting in front of the computer for too long and needed a ‘break’. But eating when you’re not hungry shouldn’t be the break you’re looking for. I’m trying to replace those feelings with other activities- going for a walk, reading a book, cleaning something. Anything is better than snacking when I’m not hungry.

I’m also learning not to reward with food. I’m learning not to do this with Cruz, actually. I don’t want him to learn, early on, that food is a reward. It’s not. Food is something that we need every day and I don’t want to evoke emotional thoughts in him in regards to eating. When my team leader started talking about this, again I thought, “Oh that’s totally not me. I would never do that.” But then I caught myself DOING IT yesterday! Cruz fell down and was crying and really upset. He had hurt himself in the midst of his play and wouldn’t stop crying. So the words came out of my mouth so quickly, and as they were coming out I was trying to retract them, but it was too late.

“Do you want a snack??”

Appalled that I even asked that, I realized that I must do this often. He wasn’t hungry. He wasn’t asking for a snack. It wasn’t close to dinnertime. He had fallen down, hurt himself, was seeking comfort in me and I was asking him if he wanted to feel better with a snack. WHAT?! He immediately said yes, of course. So I did get him the snack. But I was mortified that I subconsciously had tried to treat the issue with food. That I was teaching him that when you’re sad or hurt, a snack will make it all better. I realize I don’t do this EVERY time he falls down. But I did realize that I do and have done this before. And now I am VERY aware of it and trying to reward and comfort him with different things. Not food. I definitely don’t want my kids to be emotional eaters, if I can help it. And I would love it if they had a very healthy response to food.

I’ve set a couple goals for myself too. I’ve decided that MY reward for losing all the baby weight is going to be two things. One, I want updated family pictures in October. It’s right in-between both boys’ birthdays and before Christmas. So it feels like a great time to schedule something like that. And two, I REALLY want to become a Team Leader for Weight Watchers. I’m not much of a public speaker, but I’d really love to help encourage other people to lose weight and to keep balance in their lives. Even if it’s just one meeting a week that I lead, I’d really love to be apart of that. So we’ll see. I don’t have a set date that I want the weight gone by. The sooner the better, in my opinion. So I’m attacking it like never before.

And it’s working.

Encouragement to focus on this week? It’s not about getting it right, you guys. It’s about getting it better.

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figuring out what’s wrong

7 Jan

If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I’ve really had some up and down moments since Rider was born. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I have been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. I mean, I seriously can’t get it under control on some days and I’m on top of the world others.

It’s been extremely rough, to be honest. Harder than I’ve let on, I’m afraid.

I finally hit a wall. I finally got tired of having good days, hours and moments for it to then turn into a terrible ‘low’ emotionally. And for no reason really. I have been all over the place. Irritable, sad, depressed, happy, elated and even angry. I haven’t been able to put a finger on it. It’s been super, super hard.

So I went to my doctor.

It’s postpartum depression.

Am I ready to talk about it? Sort of. Kind of. I think I need to. I need to write about it, talk about it, process it. But I’m also trying to figure it out in my head still.

I haven’t been totally ready to blog about it, honestly. But here I sit, in a cabin up North while my two little guys sleep away, typing it out for you. But to be honest, I’ve had a really, really bad night with it.

So I’m asking for prayer.

I wish I wasn’t struggling with this. I wish it would be gone tomorrow. And it might be. That’s what’s weird about it.

I am under a doctors care. I am starting some mild medication. And I’m going to continue writing about this and processing it here.

In the appropriate times.

So, dear reader, thanks for taking this journey with me. I’m sure the last thing you want to read about is this. But it’s honestly where I’m at. And I’m seeking help. I’ve got great support in my family. And I’m praying constantly.

Because I really don’t want it to get worse. I’ve gotta be a good mommy to two little boys each day, so I really need to nip this in the butt.

And I’m ready to feel normal again.

overwhelmed

2 Sep

Do you ever have days where you just feel so overwhelmed? Where you just want to crawl back into bed and start the day over? Or even better, wake up and it’s tomorrow? Do you ever just cry all day long for a thousand different reasons but really there is no reason to cry? Because when you think about all the things in your life, you realize that you actually have it pretty good and then you immediately feel guilty for feeling like everything is crap. Especially when you know it’s not crap. It’s just a bad day. And you’re just overwhelmed. And you just need to cry it out and for things to look a little more clear. And for things to not be so well… overwhelming.

Ya. I feel this way too. It’s been a really bad day. And I woke up with a sore throat, which is the last thing I need.

I constantly try to fill my mind with Philippians 4:6- “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” And I try to fill my mind with Matthew 6:34- “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” But honestly, being anxious, overwhelmed and worried are REAL struggles for me. I hate days like today. We have a lot of change coming up along with a VERY busy season which is already in full swing. And I have just got a lot to process. And I am learning how to say no to certain things when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard for me. Today has been hard for me. I have a lot to adjust to coming up and I don’t really do change very well. It’s all so exciting with the baby coming, but to be honest I feel totally overwhelmed with it too.

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I know we will be ok and that he will give us the grace for each day once the baby comes. And I’m thankful for all the help that my mom, sisters and close friends are ALREADY providing us with in preparation for Rider’s arrival. I couldn’t do it without them. It’s just an overwhelming day. And everyone’s allowed one of those, right? A good cry (or several good cries) only makes things look clearer, right?

So here’s to the rest of the day, and hoping that I can just get it together. So maybe here’s to tomorrow?

meltdown

25 Mar

I had a complete meltdown the other night. It needed to happen, I think. It was good for my soul. And I can think a lot more clear now that I’ve gotten all my emotions out of the way.

I’ve been pretty stressed out these past couple weeks. We have a lot going on. Always. We always have a lot going on. Life doesn’t ever slow down for us, even if we try to make it. I thought once the holidays past, we’d be able to breathe. I thought our photography business would slow down a little bit, which I didn’t want and I did want all at the same time. I love my job and staying busy has just been amazing. I just thought that naturally, there’d be a slope in the amount of business we had after the holidays.

We don’t have an open slot until June.

Don’t get me wrong- I am incredibly blessed, grateful and humbled to be this busy. I get to work full time at home, with my son sitting on my lap! It doesn’t get any better.

Throw that into the mix with Jason starting a new job, trying to move up to Scottsdale, getting our house ready to rent out, actually renting out our current house, chasing after a toddler, buying a new car AND having another baby. Another baby??!! I have to be this busy AND add another baby to the mix?? Whoa.

This pregnancy has been completely different than my pregnancy with Cruz- including hormonally. When I was pregnant the first time around, I’m pretty sure I was on the brink of tears for nine straight months. I felt so bad for my family, friends and mostly Jason. Anything could piss me off, make me bawl or just simply insecure. It was so weird because I’m not typically like that at all. I’m an emotional woman normally, but to a healthy extent. During my pregnancy with Cruz, I was a wreck. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was horrible. So I didn’t have to deal with morning sickness or any major food aversions (except chicken!) but I was about to bawl in your face at any given moment the entire time. Awful.

*sigh*

This time around, I think I’ve been completely depleted of all emotions. I can tear up a little, and only at certain things. But mostly, I don’t really feel emotional about anything- especially not like I did with Cruz. Things that would normally hurt my feelings or make me cry, don’t. It’s weird. I’ll be thinking, Wow, that should really hurt my feelings but for some reason it doesn’t. Strange. So I’m sure it’s been building up inside for awhile.

I had a minor set back during one of my edits on this same particular night- the one with my meltdown. Don’t worry, it ultimately resolved itself. But, while I was in the midst of it, it sent me into a mild version of what I call, a meltdown. Jason was just sitting on the opposite couch from me wondering, I’m sure, What the hell is happening? I started sobbing about any and every little thing that’s been building in my heart over the past couple months- mostly about the things I listed above. After I finished sobbing- seriously about an hour later- and realized that it was midnight and that I need to go to bed, I actually felt a lot better.

The truth is, there is a lot going on in my life that is giving me so much anxiety. Which is stupid really, because at the end of the day, everything usually gets done right? Maybe not all the dishes or laundry or yard work. But the things that are super important always get done. But right now, I have all of these small and large tasks on my ‘To Do’ list everyday, and to be honest- figuring out how to do all of them AND be a full time mommy is super hard! I hit a wall the other night, got it all out of my system, went to bed and actually woke up feeling a lot more clear about my life and what actually is on my plate.

It’s amazing how a little meltdown can actually allow things to be a lot more clear.

I would never change where I’m at in this life. I wouldn’t change one single thing about it. Well, I actually would hire a full time maid to clean my house if I could afford it, not gonna lie. But aside from that, I wouldn’t change anything. BUT, for any mom- working inside the house, working outside the home, or not working at all, balancing everything is very hard to do. And at moments where I think we couldn’t possibly get busier in our lives, we do. And I’m still navigating how to actually do this thing called ‘full time working mom’. It’s not easy. Every day is a balancing act. And every day usually doesn’t turn out how I thought it would. I’m trying to go with the flow, release control and just focus on one day at a time. Not tomorrow, or next week or next month. Wow, that’s hard for me.

I’m so thankful that God’s grace is sufficient for me, today, right where I’m at. He sees me in my ‘meltdown moments’ and understands my heart. And it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only mamma (or woman!) who feels like they’re going crazy at times. We’re all just doing the best we can, with what we’ve been given. And that’s all we can do.