Tag Archives: convictions

convicted

11 Oct

Lately, I’ve just had a pretty horrible attitude. I’ll be honest here. Every day I wake up, I’ve been finding myself only thinking about the next time I can get into bed to sleep. And then it dawns on me that the next time THAT is going to happen isn’t until around 11:30 pm. That’s about the point of my day where my bad attitude begins. And usually that thought enters my brain before my feet touch the floor. Then I find myself going through the day agonizing over tasks that every mom has to do. I just have been finding myself so tired that I just don’t really want to do anything. And there’s A LOT of things that have to get done within my day. Everyone’s days look like this- I am not alone here. But my attitude has just really sucked lately. First I find myself counting down the hours to naptime (for the boys) and then they get up and I find myself counting down the hours to bedtime (for the boys) and finally counting down the minutes to when I can finally lay down. To which, I still dread getting up for the night time feedings so my attitude even sucks when I go to bed.

Gosh, who AM I? This isn’t me.

“I don’t want to feed anyone else, wipe any more butts or clean any more messes.” I would say to Jay. I said this until he finally said, “I feel like you say that a lot these days.”

Uh oh, I thought, My bad attitude is totally spilling over and affecting the rest of my family.

Jay didn’t say anything else about it. He’s typically always really supportive of me and my quick changing moods. Especially these days. But when he said that, it was the first time in awhile that I sat back and actually thought about how my attitude is affecting people around me. What’s even more sad, it’s truly how I feel sometimes! Somedays I just want to sleep all day long and not have to work, clean, wipe noses, butts and breast feed. Selfish? Yes. Truth? Yes. These feelings definitely come in waves, and some days (or hours) are better than others. But I’ve just been honestly waking up wondering when the day is going to be over so I can sleep again, and my family is paying for it.

So while I was picking up the house that same afternnoon, Proverbs 31 popped into my mind. I thought I had remembered a part in that passage that talked about a wife that works with delight. I was immediately convicted. Is that part in Proverbs 31?, I thought. I didn’t want it to be. But I took a little time and looked up the entire passage. And it really, really spoke to me. Here in bold are the parts that stuck out to me most.

“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor and she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her saying “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.” Proverbs 31:10-31

Wow. This woman is busy. And I’m sure she doesn’t always have it all figured out. And I’m sure she still cries and gets emotional occasionally. And she probably still feels exhausted, like all mom’s and women do. But she doesn’t have a bad attitude. She is a hard worker- one who works with delight. I don’t remember the last time I worked with delight. I’ve only been preoccupied with how tired I am. And with Rider’s schedule. And with all the laundry that isn’t getting done. And how the house isn’t clean. I haven’t been having a positive attitude about things lately and I certainly haven’t been working with delight.

And while the Proverbs 31 women is something to strive for, I realize that I am not perfect. And that it’s OK to feel overwhelmed in motherhood and as a working mom. I certainly don’t want to seem (or be) fake about how I’m feeling. BUT, this passage has completely convicted me about my attitude with our current life stage. And my attitude is spilling over onto my husband and my children, which I didn’t realize was happening. And while everything isn’t going to be perfect all the time, this should be the type of woman that I should be striving to be. I’ve just lost sight of what kind of wife and mom I want to be. I’ve been so caught up in the exhaustion of it all that I’ve started to lose sight of what’s really important here. How sad.

So here’s to a new day. One that will be just as hard as yesterday, but one where my attitude will be different.

Advertisements