Tag Archives: birth

figuring out what’s wrong

7 Jan

If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I’ve really had some up and down moments since Rider was born. If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know that I have been a complete rollercoaster of emotions. I mean, I seriously can’t get it under control on some days and I’m on top of the world others.

It’s been extremely rough, to be honest. Harder than I’ve let on, I’m afraid.

I finally hit a wall. I finally got tired of having good days, hours and moments for it to then turn into a terrible ‘low’ emotionally. And for no reason really. I have been all over the place. Irritable, sad, depressed, happy, elated and even angry. I haven’t been able to put a finger on it. It’s been super, super hard.

So I went to my doctor.

It’s postpartum depression.

Am I ready to talk about it? Sort of. Kind of. I think I need to. I need to write about it, talk about it, process it. But I’m also trying to figure it out in my head still.

I haven’t been totally ready to blog about it, honestly. But here I sit, in a cabin up North while my two little guys sleep away, typing it out for you. But to be honest, I’ve had a really, really bad night with it.

So I’m asking for prayer.

I wish I wasn’t struggling with this. I wish it would be gone tomorrow. And it might be. That’s what’s weird about it.

I am under a doctors care. I am starting some mild medication. And I’m going to continue writing about this and processing it here.

In the appropriate times.

So, dear reader, thanks for taking this journey with me. I’m sure the last thing you want to read about is this. But it’s honestly where I’m at. And I’m seeking help. I’ve got great support in my family. And I’m praying constantly.

Because I really don’t want it to get worse. I’ve gotta be a good mommy to two little boys each day, so I really need to nip this in the butt.

And I’m ready to feel normal again.

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special moments

15 Sep

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions ever since we’ve come home. I expected that, I mean, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and that there was going to be an element of adjustment for us all once Rider arrived. And that’s exactly what we are dealing with. I’m grateful to say that day 2 and day 3 of being home have been significantly easier than day 1. When we got home, Cruz was excited to see us. He was happy for us to be home, but at the same time I could tell that he didn’t understand why we had been gone for so long and why we had brought another little person with us. So he was moody and temperamental all while still staying his sweet little self. But he would have these moments of acting out and weirdness- for lack of a better term. It’s understandable I guess. The little guy went from being the center of our world to us having to divide our attention with his little brother.

When we were in the hospital, he didn’t want much to do with me at all. He would say hi to me and he’d give a kiss when he first got there. But he wouldn’t really come near me much while I was there. I know that it was strange to him- me sitting in a hospital bed, all hooked up to a bunch of things that he doesn’t understand. I couldn’t get up and play with him because I’d just had surgery. And we weren’t at home with him, all of a sudden, for a couple days. Whenever he came, I would just sit there and cry (after I said hi to him). I tried not to let him see me cry because I didn’t want to scare him more. But I was overcome with emotions and fearful that my little relationship with him would change and not be the way it was. It was so amazing to see him because we missed him so much. But it was hard to see him because he acted so differently towards me. I can’t blame him. And I can’t expect him to behave, process and adjust like an adult would. But it was still hard for me to process all of this when he was acting so strange.

We tried to get him to sit in bed with me several times. I couldn’t really get up at first and I definitely couldn’t pick him up once I was up (I still can’t pick him up) so we always tried to see if he wanted to sit with me. The answer was always no, which I tried to be patient with, even though I really wanted to just snuggle with him and remind him how much I love and missed him. But I was patient. Finally on the last night that I was in the hospital, my mom and sisters brought him to visit us. Towards the end of the trip we asked him if he wanted to sit with Mamma. Ok, we bribed him with asking him if he wanted to play with the  buttons. HA! But he said yes! So my mom put him right next to me for a few minutes. Jay grabbed the camera and snapped one of my most favorite pictures I’ve ever had taken of myself with Cruz. I think it was just such a special moment for me- I missed him incredibly and it was finally a little bonding time for just me and him after Rider’s arrival. Jay showed me the picture and I just bursted into tears. Actually, everyone in the room started crying too. It was such a special moment- one I’ll never, ever forget.

Then we got home and that first day was hard. HARD. Really, really hard. We could tell Cruz was unsure of everything that was going on. I was super sore from surgery, very emotional from having Rider and all the fun hormonal junk that happens, and we were all exhausted. I think I just cried all afternoon. Cruz wouldn’t come to me at all- it sort of felt like he was mad at me- which just tore me up. Thankfully, Rider’s been a very easy baby so taking care of him has really been second nature. He sleeps a lot, cries very little and we are already on a ‘schedule’ of sorts. Praise God. So Monday was horrible. I went to bed thinking, ‘What did we do? This isn’t going to work.’ even though I knew those thoughts were ridiculous. It was just a very hard day for us.

Tuesday was better. I woke up with a newer outlook on the situation, determined to make it a better day. And it was! We still had (and are having) tense moments with adjusting, but it IS getting easier. So I was sitting on the couch early in the day- I had just finished feeding Rider and he was in a ‘food coma’. So I grabbed the camera to snap a few pictures of just him as he was laying there. He’s just such a sweetie and I’m trying to take as many pictures as I can so he has enough of him too. These are a couple that I snapped:

When I looked up, I saw Cruz standing about 3 feet away from us and just watching me taking pictures of Rider.

“Hey Cruz, you wanna come give the baby kisses?” I asked.

“Yes.” he said and walked over to give him kisses. I snapped ferociously and I was able to take some of my most favorite pictures to date of my two boys. After Cruz finished kissing him, he came around the front of Rider, climbed up on the couch a little bit and proceeded to check him out and take it all in. I kept snapping. Cruz kept looking at the baby, then he’d look at me and point and say “Baby!”. And I’d agree and give him praise for being such a sweet boy and good big brother to Rider. He was so interested for a few short minutes, and I happened to get it all on camera. Finally, Cruz ran off, remembering that he has new toys to play with that we brought home with us from the hospital. I reviewed the pictures I took and just cried some more (I seriously can’t help it right now). But it was a little glimmer of hope that these two actually ARE going to be ok. Cruz will adjust and care for him and love him. He knows how much we love him still but he also sees how much we love Rider too. And it’s teaching him that it’s ok for him to love him too. After these short moments, Cruz now always wants to give Rider kisses. He loves to help us pat his back when we are burping him. And he tries to share his toys with him, sort of (which still freaks me out because I’m afraid he’s going to throw them at Rider). But I had to share these moments with you. In the few short days since we’ve been home, we’ve had some amazing and some not so amazing moments. Adapting to two kids has been harder than I anticipated it to be. But I have two amazing kids. I’m trying to be patient, cry when I need to, and let go of all expectations I have for my boys at this point. We are getting there and it will get easier. And it’s the moments like these that make ALL of it worth it. These pictures, I will cherish forever. They are some of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken, and a symbol of what the future holds for our family.

These are two very sweet little boys. And amidst the emotions, sleep deprivation and tears, I do realize that I am extremely lucky and blessed. It doesn’t get better than this:

rider easton williams

14 Sep

He is here!! Rider Easton Williams made his arrival on September 10th, 2010 at 9:15 in the morning. He weighed 8 lbs 6 ozs and was 20 in long. AND- his hair is DARK! Ha! It’s so awesome. I’ve been meaning to blog this post since well, Friday. But as you can imagine, life has been a little hectic since then. I did go ahead and opt for the c-section, so the weekend has been full of adjusting and recovering from surgery. But I have been dying to post a few pictures of him and his arrival. I will be posting several more posts about the details of his arrival and other things I am learning through this process. But for now, it’s kind of late. I gotta feed Rider soon and I need to try to get some sleep tonight while I can. In the meantime, we are pleased and proud to introduce you to our newest little boy…

Rider Easton Williams!!

Linnea Alley

7 Jan

I recently had the honor of photographing another birth. It’s always amazing to me that people are asking and allowing me in for such a huge occasion. It’s not something I take lightly, and to be honest, while I love photographing everything we’ve done so far a part of me would be perfectly fine if I only photographed births ever again. The entire process is amazing. Life… is amazing. To capture someone’s first breath is something that I feel privileged to be able to do.

And I cry every single time.

One of my best friends, Andrea, asked me to photograph the birth of her daughter which wasn’t supposed to be until sometime in January. Well, you know how that can go. They never ever come on time. You can read her birth story here. It’s a hilarious read and Andrea leaves no detail out! Andrea and Cody are very special people to us. They are amazing friends, and people that we have known for a very long time. They are those people that once we move (and we will move) we will always still be in touch with them.

Well, that and I already have dibbs on an arranged marriage between Cruz and their little girl. So we will be in laws someday, mark my words!

Their little girl is probably one of the cutest little girls I have ever seen to date. We did her newborn pictures yesterday, so those will be posted soon. But she is simply breath taking. So stay tuned for those because they are pretty darn cute! They named her Linnea Joelle Alley. And she was born on December 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 am weighting 6 pounds even and 19 inches long. And she’s gorgeous. I wanted to post a few of the pictures here. They are on our Session Nine site as well, but I had to make sure to share them with you as well.

These are very special people to me and Jason. And not to mention, Cruz’s future wife!

baby wine’s birth day

22 Oct

I have just been so overwhelmed with how amazing Jeff and Joy Wine are. They asked me to photograph the birth of their first born daughter, Hadley, on the day when it was much anticipated. I am always deeply moved, touched and honored that someone would ask me to be apart of something that is so huge and so special for them. It was completely my honor.

Jeff and Joy were just so sweet to one another in the delivery room. It was a really special time for them and the anticipation for this very loved little girl was building and building until her arrival. I was able to witness something that was so, so special and you could even tell just by the way that Jeff and Joy were looking at one another through the whole process. True love. I have been deeply touched by their obvious love for one another and for their little Hadley.

And what a beauty!! She arrived perfectly into this world on Tuesday, October 13th, 2009. Everything went flawlessly. The staff at Banner Gateway was phenomenal. And Joy was in such great spirits! She was such a trooper and never even complained! She was her sweet loving self to every staff person that came in and out of her hospital room, polite to everyone even though she had to be so uncomfortable.

These are only a few of the pictures that will be given to these proud parents. And I am doing their newborn shoot this week, so be on the lookout for that! Hadley has been brought into this world to a family who was so excited to meet her and who love her, and each other, so very much. When you can ’see’ a love that big, it’s truly miraculous to be apart of. I am deeply grateful to have been apart of this.

Welcome to the world Hadley! You have some of the best parents ever!

* To view more pictures of the Wine Delivery, please visit our official website at www.sessionninephotography.com.

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birth day

16 Sep

This was one of the greatest things I have ever watched someone else experience. I had the absolute honor of being asked to photograph the birth of Chris and Fallon Lile’s newest addition to their family. What a true privilege. I got the phone call from Chris at about midnight of September 9th. They were already at the hospital, Fallon was already admitted and things were progressing wonderfully. I was on standby until about 3:00 am and then I headed down to the hospital- not knowing exactly when this little joy would actually arrive. That’s the tricky thing about photographing births- it’s very unpredictable and can move very quickly or very, very slowly. It’s so hard to know!

Fortunately, I made it to the hospital just in time! I was there for no more than 5 minutes when the doctor announced that it was time to start pushing. And what a moment!! Fallon and Chris did not know if they were having a boy or girl, so when the doctor announced “It’s a boy!” it was such a great surprise for them!

I am truly amazed that these two would ask me to be apart of something so special, so important, so huge in their lives. I can only hope that I captured the amount of love and joy that was in the room that night.

Chris & Fallon- thank you so much for allowing me to be apart of this moment that you will remember for the rest of your lives. Ashur is beautiful. Your family is beautiful.

* These pictures are currently not on our Session Nine Photography site, but will be shortly!

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