Tag Archives: anxiety

worry

28 Jun

Words are a great source of inspiration to me. I’m really trying to worry a lot less these days. It’s one of the hardest things I will ever learn, I think. And I wish it wasn’t.

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peace

15 Feb

I’m not sure where I saw this. But I loved it. And it’s so true. It’s something to remember. Something I need to remember.

dear cruz,

20 Jan

If I could teach you just one thing in this life, aside from teaching you about Jesus, I hope and pray that I can teach you this:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9

This is something that I am still trying to learn. It’s something I struggle with every day, and something I pray that I won’t struggle with for much longer. But this passage is really hard for me. It’s hard, in this world we live in, to not be anxious about anything. To not worry about everything. To not be fearful.

I understand, completely.

Cruz, when life is overwhelming, when your mind won’t shut off, when fear takes over and when you’re anxious about so many things and you don’t know why- know that you can trust our Almighty Savior. Mediate on this passage. Trust in Jesus. And pray without ceasing. There’s so much about this life and this world that doesn’t make sense. There’s so much bad, anger and hate in the world and it is scary. Evil is scary. This life is only for a moment. Don’t waste your whole life being afraid and anxious about everything. Dwell on things that are pure and right and honorable. Fill your mind with the positive. Surround yourself with things that are true and pure. Guard your heart. Guard your mind. God promises peace. God is peace. Fill your life with Him, and you will live a life of peace. Even if everything around you is not peaceful.

I pray for you every day, Cruz. I pray that you and Rider both will live lives that are free of anxiety and fear. Lives that are full of peace and truth and honor. Do not be afraid. God is with you and will uphold you. Trust in Him, for He never fails.

I love you, my sweet boy.

Mommy

 


on repeat

15 Dec

I went through a time in my life, not too long ago, where everything- EVERYTHING made me anxious. I could take no thought captive. I couldn’t sleep well. I worried about everything. Stupid things, important things, real things, made up things. I was anxious about it all. Past, present, future. Things that already happened. Things that hadn’t happened. Things I feared would happen. It’s no way to live.

I am going through a similar time in my life. Taking thoughts captive is a huge struggle for me right now. What is prompting it? Nothing. Everything.

When I went through a time similar as now, Jason knew I was struggling big time. One morning when I got out to my car as I headed to leave to work, I noticed he had left a note in my car. I won’t say word for word what the note said. It’s special to me and I prefer to keep it that way. But he just wanted to encourage me in my anxiousness. He wanted me to know he was praying for me. And that he loved me. And that there wasn’t anything we couldn’t face together. He left a CD in my car that I listened to, on repeat, for no less than a month. Maybe more than that. The CD was Tim Hughes, Holding Nothing back album. It’s a phenomenal album and it is a reminder to me of God’s grace in my life when I’m struggling to rest in Him. It’s a reminder of how amazing my husband is. It’s a reminder that I’m being held, by the Creator, who sees my thoughts and knew about them before I even thought them.

One song imparticular holds a dear place in my heart. It’s called ‘Everything’, which is fitting. But I could pretty much sob every time I hear it. Sometimes I just sit and soak in the words. Sometimes I repeat them as if I’m victoriously declaring the truths. Sometimes I just listen, as if God is actually speaking over me. Do I sound weird? I don’t care. It’s a constant struggle for him to be MY everything. This song is such a reminder that he needs to be my everything, in everything I do, say, speak… think.

Everything.

It’s on repeat today as I work. Such amazing words of hope. Amazing words of truth. And it’s soothes me to the core on days, weeks, months when I can’t get my thoughts and anxiety under control.

Check it out on iTunes. The album is amazing. That song is incredible.

thoughts

11 Dec

I don’t really have much of a purpose for this post. Nothing has really happened that is prompting me to talk about this. But I guess I’ve just spent the morning reflecting on past relationships, past friendships and even current ones. It’s been a weird season of life for me in my friendships. It’s been a time, these past two years or so, where I’ve been surrounded by a lot of people but have really had to face the reality of who my true friendships are. Isn’t that a hard lesson to learn? Some I’ve been hurt deeply by, some I know I hurt too. Others, we’ve just drifted apart. As I’ve gotten older and started my own family, I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that not ALL friendships are meant to last forever. Some are only for a season. And some are meant to teach us something. And there are some that are meant to last forever. They are few and far between and friendships that should be held dear to your heart. Like family.

Anyways. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. I’ve really been struggling with my thought life again this past week and it’s really made me think about what I put into my brain. I learned from a very early age, ‘garbage in, garbage out’ and I know how Satan can take hold of our minds and destroy lives that way. Once I started thinking about what I put into my brain, I started thinking about what comes out. Is it anxiety, worry, negativity, judgement? Sometimes is truly is. Lately, it totally has. Then it made me think about gossip and how truly dangerous it is. How it can destroy someone completely and they don’t even have to be in the room.

How powerful are our thoughts and our words? If you stop to think about how truly powerful they are, isn’t it kind of scary?

How easy is it to talk negatively about a friend, or even an enemy? How easy is it to feel better about yourself by talking to others about ‘friends’ that have done you wrong? I know I struggle with wanting to do this. Shouting from the rooftops wrongs that have been done to me. Exposing someone else so others can see their true colors. How awful is that? Just being honest. I’m sure there are others that have done or want to do this about me too.

But I do know how painful it is to find out that others were gossiping about you.

And that painful feeling makes me stop and think about my friendships. Do I gossip about friends? Are my insecurities and negative thoughts spilling over onto others? I bet it does sometimes. And I hate that. Gossip usually doesn’t have anything to do with the other person, I think. But with your own insecurities and jealous thoughts. Am I wrong? I know this is true for me.

I don’t really have anything profound to say or end this post with. I’ve just been thinking about the ramifications of what anxiety and negative thoughts can cause on your life. I’ve been considering true friends and it led me to think about what has come out of my mouth lately. I’ve really struggled with anxiety again, just this past week. It seems that my thought life is where Satan goes straight for the attack in my life. And it’s hard to get away from it. I’m trying to make sense of this post. I guess I can’t. It’s honestly where my thoughts are at today, so please excuse me for rambling. I guess I’m still processing what I’m struggling with, friendships, anxious thoughts, fears.

Fears.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m trying to get ahold of my thought life. Because getting ahold of what comes in, will help control what comes out. And I definitely don’t want my boys to see me as an anxious, gossipy, negative thinking person. When they think back on their childhood, I don’t want them to remember me being consumed with worry. That scares me too.

Hence the vicious cycle.

Thanks for letting me ramble about where I’m at. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Maybe you’re struggling with this too. I know it’s not just me.

bedtime tears

10 Aug

This is a new one for me. Cruz has ALWAYS gone to bed very, very easily. Not many tears, not much fighting it. We just sing a song and I put him in his crib, say goodnight and walk out. Very simple. The past couple nights, I’ll sing him a song while he lays his head on my shoulder and after I’m done singing, he starts crying hysterically. So I’ll sing the song to him one more time. As soon as I start singing, he lays his head back down on my shoulder and when I’m done he starts crying. So instead of singing again, I try to explain to him that it’s time to go to sleep in his bed. As I try to lift him over the crib, he grips his legs to me clinging for dear life and cry’s. Really hard.

*Sigh*

I finally lay him down (as he’s screaming) and I tell him to lay on his pillow. Then I rub his back and his face to reassure him that everything’s ok. After I rub his back, he says “Ni Ni Mamma!” and I tell him I love him and walk out. End of the problem. I try to remain as calm as possible, even though I’m really frustrated and him clinging to me REALLY hurts, because I don’t want to make whatever stress he’s going through worse. I really don’t want bedtime to be a negative thing. So I try to stay super patient with him. But I’m not sure what’s going on. He doesn’t do this during his naps. Is he afraid of the dark? I have a night light in his room. Does he just want to stay up and play? Is he manipulating me? Did something happen around bedtime that now scares him? Does he know that in a few short weeks life as he knows it is going to change completely, and he just wants to be with me?

I don’t even know. He’s such a good communicator- saying so many words and different phrasings that I can understand. But sometimes he can’t quite communicate what his exact feelings are. And that’s frustrating as a mamma. Especially when I have no idea what is causing him to act so strangely at bedtime. I’m hoping it’s a phase.

I’ve really started working on Rider’s room the past couple days. Cleaning, setting things up, washing his clothes, organizing his closet. Is Cruz noticing the change and starting to get antsy? I really think that he KNOWS there’s a change coming. I know he can’t fully comprehend what, but I know he knows something is coming. And I really don’t want the next few weeks to be full of anxiety for him, so I’m trying (between the joint pain, migraines and severe uncomfortableness) to remain as calm and anxiety free as possible. I really want this transition to be smooth for him, in every way possible.

So I’m praying a lot these days for my little guy. For my family. I know that everything will be ok. So many people have multiple children and it all turns out  more than alright. But it’s still new territory for us. Jason and I have had a billion conversations about how we can make this transition smooth for him. We have talked to a couple family members about helping with him while I’m in the hospital and about helping once I’m home, if it’s needed. We’ve come up with a plan for visitors in the hospital AND once we’re home to keep things very even keeled for him, well… and for us. I’m a big planner and I am a big space person. Meaning, I need lots of it during big life changes. So we are trying to plan, as best as we can, so things aren’t stressful for Cruz or for Rider as he comes home to meet his brother.

Why did I tell you all that? This was supposed to be a post about my bedtime issues with Cruz and it turned into the whole transition that lies ahead. I’m just wondering if he’s sensing things are going to change and if that’s why he’s been so weird at bedtime. So I’m trying to stay aware of his little feelings. This is a busy season for us, but I’ll pull back on what we are doing if that means that I can put my little man first. To reassure him that mommy loves him and that even though changes are happening and busy times are coming, he will not be forgotten by me or Jason. He will not be left with sitters for hours on end. And he will not be less important than our little Rider man.

I’m sure he’s not even thinking all of that. But I think that I don’t give that kid enough credit. He’s pretty smart and is trying to communicate something with me. Trying to sort it all out is difficult as a mamma. Trying to make the right decisions for him is hard as a mamma. So I pray a lot these days. Trying to keep my emotions as level as possible around him. Trying love on him as much as possible. Because these are the last few weeks of just the three of us. And I couldn’t be more excited and terrified at the same time.

feeding update

28 Apr

I’ve come to discover that every mom has some ‘thing’ that gives them more stress than other ‘things’ when it comes to being a mom. I know there are many stressful things, but I’ve found that almost every mom I know has one thing in-particular that is a constant stress and worry for them.

For me… It’s Cruz’s eating habits.

I’ve never been too terribly stressed about his sleeping habits. Never been too stressed about his social skills. Never been worried about his mental growth, or even his physical growth. He’s always slept well, always played well, is very smart and let’s face it folks- he’s a big kid.

But ever since he was born, I’ve always been stressed/worried/concerned with his eating habits. It’s been a huge struggle for me and since he’s gotten bigger, it’s been pretty frustrating at times. I had a heck of a time breast feeding him. You can read that story HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE. Not only was it exhausting-emotionally and physically- it was just plain hard. I stuck it out, but I was constantly worried that he wasn’t getting enough. I was constantly trouble shooting and trying new things to make sure he was getting what he needed.

And that experimenting with different things hasn’t stopped. I’m not sure it’s ever going to end.

As he got bigger, he didn’t have an issue eating solid foods at first. He loved every fruit, veggie, meat I introduced him to. Then somewhere along the way, his little taste buds changed and he got super picky. And it’s been super frustrating ever since. I mean, when they’re babies they eat like, eight times a day! And as they get bigger, it’s at least three times every day, like every normal human being. So trouble shooting at every single meal can really get exhausting. It’s constantly on my mind. Trying to introduce new foods to Cruz, but also making sure he actually eats each day too.

“Kids won’t starve themselves.” “They get what they need, I wouldn’t worry about it.” “He’ll eat when he’s hungry.”

I’ve heard it all.

And it’s all true, but it’s still really difficult when you’re constantly on your toes, trying new things, hoping that they’ll work. I’ll get one day down successfully (he eats everything), and the next Cruz will do something completely different (he won’t eat anything).

*Sigh*

So where am I going with this?

Well, the update is that I can successfully, on a daily basis, get Cruz to eat chicken nuggets, all kinds of fruit, pinto beans, mexican rice and lots and lots of milk. He loves milk. I’ve had to cut way back on it because I thought that might be the reason why he doesn’t eat well.

It wasn’t.

I’d love for him to try new things, but he won’t. I’ve tried everything there too. He just puckers his lips and starts gagging. I’m not even kidding! So it’s an every day frustration for me. I try to introduce new things, try not to worry about it too much, and convince myself that he will eat when he’s hungry, he’s getting what he needs, and that he’s not starving.

If the only major thing I have to worry about is his eating habits, especially when he’s healthy and chunky, then I consider myself blessed. But it’s still frustrating and I just wish he loved anything I gave him.

Maybe someday?