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dear cruz,

19 Jul

I could almost cry instantly these days, that our days of it just being you and me are numbered. Don’t get me wrong- I am SO excited/nervous/anxious/elated to be adding your little brother to this crazy mix of our lives. I know that once he gets here, it will almost seem impossible to think of life without him. This, I do know. But I am about 8 weeks away from meeting his little darling face and while I can’t wait in most aspects, I am also wondering what you are going to think about all this. Did I have enough time with just you? Did I give you everything you need from me before my attention will be divided?

Ok. Now I’m crying as I type this. I didn’t think I’d get through it. HA! Stupid pregnancy hormones.

But in all seriousness, I am anxious about the fact that I won’t be able to focus all my attention on you simply because I feel like you are so little! And while I do know that you are way smarter than even I give you credit for, I wonder if you will be confused while I’m in the hospital. Will you be scared when you come to visit me at the hospital? Will you wonder why you have to leave when Daddy, your brother and I stay there for a couple days? Will the transition of bringing Rider home be hard for you? I don’t want it to be. I want you to always know that even though your brother will be as loved by me and Daddy, you will never be tossed aside or not as important to me.

It just scares me that you won’t understand.

I know it will all be a transition and that we will have good and bad days in the beginning. Well, always. HA! But I have been praying (and will continue to pray) that you and your brother will become instant buddies. Best friends. That you will love each other only as brothers can. That your special bond and friendship will be so special and so unique and so awesome. That you will fight with each other as brothers do, but that you’ll love each other more because of it. That jealousy won’t be an issue in our home. And that both you and Rider know that Daddy and I love you both individually, but the same amount.

A part of me wonders if I truly savored these past almost two years that I’ve had with you. Did I absorb all of the ‘you and me time’ that we’ve had? Did I take it for-granted? I’d like to think that I truly took advantage of it and that I enjoyed you while I only had one to love on and spoil- somewhat. Ha. I’m trying to take in these last few weeks that we have, Cruz, of just you and me and Daddy too. You have been more special to me in these past almost two years than you will ever know. It’s hard to imagine loving someone else as much as we love you. It’s impossible to imagine how I’m going to divide my time.

And my true fear is that you will feel forgotten.

I have loved these days with just you my little Cruzer. You’ve taught me and Daddy more about love and life that you will ever know or realize. And your brother will do the same for us too once he’s here. But you need to know and remember that we will never stop loving you. We will never forget you. We will always be with you. No matter how many other kids we have and love. You will always be special. You will always be my first son. And you will always be so important and loved by us. I’m sure Rider will be born and I will wonder why I was so worried. But with the unknowns looming in the near future, you need to know that while this is a fear of Mommy’s right now, you will ALWAYS be my special Cruz.

And that while I think I couldn’t possibly love you more, when I wake up tomorrow, I will. It’s amazing how much God’s taught me about love since you’ve been born. I can’t even fathom how much he loves us. Because I feel like He can’t possibly love us more than I love you.

And He does.

I love you Cruz. No matter what comes, that will not ever change!

Love Always,

Mamma

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dear cruz,

2 Jun

Mommy and Daddy have been so busy this month. May has been the one month looming on the calendar that overwhelmed me just from looking at our calendar. We managed to photograph 4 weddings, a good amount of lifestyle sessions, a boudoir shoot and a birth. Each of these experiences and photoshoots are things we are extremely grateful for, so there’s no complaining out of us! But it’s been a very busy month.

To top it off, we moved this month. And that means, we had to find renters, fix up and clean our home in Gilbert, find a new place for us to live, pack, move, unpack, and get settled. Mommy took one trip to California for work. Daddy took a trip up north for work. All of this, with all of our photo shoots AND the edits that are piling up all happened within the same four weeks of May.

In the blink of an eye, May was over.

I’m telling you all this because I’ve been away from you a lot this month. I know there are a lot of mommies out there that go to work every day and are away from their babies and children much more than I am away from you. And I’m thankful that we’ve found a way for me to be at home as much as I am with you.

But since I am a full time stay at home working mom, and due to the industry I’m in, it does require me to be away from you some to work and to run our business successfully. This is so good for mamma- to have her own dreams, aspirations, achievements, goals outside of being a mamma. I see and understand that. I value it immensely too. But like every other mom out there, I’m also flooded with guilt from being away from you so much at times- even though I know you are always in good hands, taken care of by people who love you so much and who would never hurt you. But I still struggle with guilt from time to time while I’m away and working.

Or even if I’m in the same room and working.

I feel like no one prepared me for the amount of guilt that every mom feels at times. And I know it’s Satan, just trying to make me feel like I’m a worthless mother and that I’m not making good decisions for you. That I’m never spending enough time with you. That you’re growing up too fast and OMG, am I missing it??

It’s these thoughts that are very overwhelming to me. And I know I’m not the only one.

So while it’s on my mind, I wanted to make sure I wrote you a letter to remind you that no matter how busy we get, no matter how much we work or don’t work, you and your brother will always be one of our top priorities. You are always on my mind Cruzer. Dadda and I are always thinking about how we can make a good life for you guys and how we can provide for you and take good care of you. Mamma doesn’t like being away from you. But when I start to feel guilty, I try to remind myself about how truly blessed and lucky I am. I get to work at home with you there on most days. And while it does make for crazier days and weird working hours, there’s nothing I’d trade for it.

I try to remind myself that it’s good for me to have some space; to have my own thing that’s completely separate from being a mom. And while I do love being a mom more than anything, I do feel like there is a good balance in my life. Once I’ve had a crazy few days of work, it’s actually refreshes me to be a better mom in some cases. When I write it all out and read it over, it makes me feel like I have nothing to feel guilty over! Which is true, but every mom experiences it on some level and at some point.

Just remember my little man, when mamma has crazy busy days or months with work, you, dadda and Rider are always at the top of my thoughts and priorities. And always remember how God truly blessed me beyond words with the ability to work from home at something I love as a career more than anything I’ve ever loved as work in all my life.

When guilt creeps in your life, push it out. We have so much to be thankful and grateful for.

I’ll remember that too.

I love you forever,

Mamma

dear cruz,

8 Apr

You are going to be a big brother! And what’s funny is, you don’t even know it yet! You are too little, my little man, to understand that there is another addition the family who is on their way. I’ve just recently tried explaining to you that there’s ‘a baby in mommy’s tummy’. Oddly enough, I do think you understand what I’m saying. But I know you don’t fully understand what is about to happen.

Well, in about 5 months or so.

You are going to be the most amazing big brother. I still can’t believe that we are going to be adding another kiddo to the mix- it’s hard for me to even imagine or comprehend loving another child as much as I love you. It feels like there’s only room in my heart for you! But every mamma who’s gone before me has told me that once that second baby is born, you do love them as much as the first.

And that there’s no way to describe how it happens.

But it does.

You are learning so much these days. Every day I feel like you start to learn how to say a new word! You love being outside. You say, “Side! Side!” when I ask if you want to go play or if you get bored if we’re indoors to long. You say, “Wow!!” whenever Dadda or I open the garage door. And when I sing to you before bed in the rocking chair in your room, you look up at me and say. “Mamma, Mamma..” over and over again during the whole song.

There’s no better sound than your little voice saying. “Mamma”.

You are a special little boy, Cruz. I love learning from you and watching you learn from us. I can’t wait to see you teach your future brother or sister and watch you two play and grow together. I can’t wait.

But in the meantime, I will wait. Instead of being too anxious for the next one to come, I am going to treasure the time left I have with just the two of us. Attention will be divided once this little baby gets here, and mommy worries about that all the time. But I can promise you, way before brother or sister is here, that you will always be my special boy. And I will always love you as much as I do now.

Probably more, even. If that’s possible.

I would like to slow down time for a little bit. So you can be little forever, looking up at me while I sing ‘Jesus Loves Me’ to you, saying “Mamma, Mamma” over and over again. Just slow it down for a minute. Just take in how small you are and not think about how every day is another day towards you becoming a man. I just want to savor these times with you. You are so little and you are my only baby, right now. It’s not going to be like that forever and I desperately want to remember every second.

I’m excited for the future, Cruz. I’m so thrilled you’re going to have a brother or a sister soon. And I can’t wait to watch you two grow up together. I also want you to remember that I will never love you less than I do right now. It’s not even possible. And while I will make room for your brother or sister in my heart (and already have), you are so incredibly special to me. You always will be and nothing can change that.

I love you my Cruzer man! You are my most special, precious little boy.

Love, Mamma

dear cruz,

20 Jan

I feel like every time I sit down to write these letters to you, the only reasonable way I find myself starting each letter is with “I can’t believe how big you are getting.” But it’s very true. And it’s a thought that crosses my mind every single day. And I’m told that it will cross my mind every day for the rest of my life.

You are into everything these days. You love to point at the lamps, lights, fans, windows, even the microwave. You are curious about everything. And when I explain things to you, you contemplate everything that I am saying and take it all in. It’s as if you’re an adult listening to me intently. And you look at me like to want to respond with a full sentence, but you can’t quite yet. But you are very, very smart. Daddy and I can already tell.

I am eager to know what your gifts and talents are. What will I be driving you to and from on Saturday mornings? Who are your friends going to be? Are you going to love Jesus? There’s so many things I wonder about you. There’s so many things that I can’t wait to find out! You surprise me with new things every day. It’s such a blessing watching you grow up. You, sweet Cruz, are the biggest blessing of all my life. When I was pregnant with you, I only thought about how I was going to have a baby. And how I was going to be a new mom. And how I was going to do the best I could with Daddy to raise you right, along with any future brothers or sisters.

And then you were born.

And I’m not sure what we did right to deserve such an amazing little guy like you. I had no idea that you were going to be the most interesting, coolest little kid with the best personality ever. You have only exceeded my wildest expectations Cruzer. And all you’ve done is be YOU these past 14 months. And these have been the hardest most fulfilling 14 months of my entire life.

And I wouldn’t change any single thing about it.

I love you my Cruzer, with all of my heart.

dear cruz,

29 Nov

We have a lot to be thankful for.

Today looks a lot different for us than it did a year ago. So much has changed and we have never been more grateful that it has. I had no idea that I’d be where we are, but I am so thankful for God’s direction in our life. He is here, Cruz. He is watching out for us and protecting us.

It’s amazing how much YOU have changed in one year! Every mamma who’s gone before me has told me that it goes by so fast. And they are so right. This year has just flown by without a second glance. I’m told that pretty soon I’ll be teaching you how to drive, watching you go off to college, raising kids of your own. That in a blink of an eye you will be all grown up and I will be wondering where did the time go.

That thought makes me sad, but so excited for you too. I’m so thrilled to be able to watch your life grow right before my very eyes. I haven’t missed it! I haven’t missed out on you and I can boldly say that I really have taken the time to enjoy my time with you. Right before you were born, mommy was faced with decisions that wouldn’t allow her to work anymore. There wasn’t any possible way that I could work at my current job AND put you first, despite what was promised to me. And I knew that I didn’t want to miss out on anything during your first year on this earth. Choosing to stay home and make my own career path has never been a better idea and it’s never been a decision that was blessed MORE.

I am thankful for you. Cruz. I’m thankful for dadda- a man who is humble and stands for what is right all the time. A man who cares about other people and who seeks God in everything he does. I’m thankful for our jobs and for God’s ability to give us the desires of our hearts- in His timing. I’m thankful for Audio, our puppy, who you adore. I’m thankful for opportunities on the horizon. I’m thankful for life and for how different things are this year. Change is exactly what we needed and God has directed our steps all the way.

So while you’re first year of life has been one of change and uncertainty for us, I’ve never been more happy to walk through that uncertainty and change. It has truly shaped us, grown us and brought us to a place that I never thought we’d be. Be thankful for a God who loves us, Cruz. A God who allows us the freedom to make our own decisions, but who leads us if we just trust Him.

And you can trust Him. He will never fail.

dear cruz,

29 Oct

Wow. This month has taken some unexpected turns.

Our journey is changing, little guy. And it’s been a month full of mixed emotions. Anger, hurt, happiness, relief. It’s been a month of continued stretching for us, as our life seems to be. Sometimes we wonder when God’s going stop stretching us- even if only for a brief moment so we can catch our breath. But at the same exact time, I wouldn’t change anything that we’ve been through because it would mean that we aren’t here.

And here is where we are.

This month has been hard. Daddy lost his job. Mommy lost a little baby. It would be easy to give up. To wonder where God is in the midst of confusion, hurt, anger and loneliness. Mommy and Daddy have lost some friends this month. When things get hard, you learn who loves you most. And we have learned that and are clinging to friends and family who have stuck by our sides. There still is a lot of people around us Cruz. A lot of people who love us. Who love YOU. The support has been amazing and I can’t help but know that God has big plans for the three of us!

And so we are moving on and moving forward. We are still sad about both losses- loss of not being apart of a community that we were involved in for 10 years. And sad about the loss of a little brother or sister that you will not meet until we’re all in heaven someday. But we are OK. More than OK.

God has given us more than we could have ever asked for in this time. I finally feel like I completely understand Philippians 4:6 & 7, (“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”) It’s amazing how truly the peace of God will surpass and go beyond all understanding in the moments when you need it most. I feel like I have a clarity for our life, that I’ve never had before.

While I don’t understand what he’s doing in our lives or where He’s taking us, I do trust Him. We won’t go anywhere where He isn’t leading us, little guy. So you can rest easy, relax and know- Mommy and Daddy are going to do their best to trust in God so you can confidently trust in us.

Here’s to many new adventures my Cruzer! This is a great life we are living!

I love you,

Mommy

My Little Man

 

dear cruz,

29 Sep

I’ve restarted this entry several times now. I’m not quite sure what to say exactly, so I can’t imagine that this entry will be too long.

Sometimes life is just confusing. Sometimes God has us go through things that just plain sucks. Sometimes life really doesn’t seem fair. Sometimes I just don’t get it. But I do know, Cruz, that we serve a God that is big. Bigger than you will ever even be able to imagine or dream about. Too big to comprehend. And even though I never seem to understand exactly what He’s doing in our lives, I do know that I can trust Him. You can trust Him.

And that He’s faithful to us.

And He loves us.

He loves you Cruz, so much more than you will ever understand. He created you in my tummy. He knows how many days you will live on this earth. And He knows all about your life already- even though you’ve only been here for 11 short months!

Someday, when you understand, just know that you can trust Him. Even when the world seems as though it’s crumbling around you. When your soul just feels so dark and so afraid- know that He is God. He is love. And He is faithful.

And He loves you.

There’s no better lesson that Daddy and I could ever teach you. And your brothers and sisters someday.

I love you,

Mommy

Cruz

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.