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stellar day blog.

14 Nov

Hey lovely friends! I have MOVED locations! I had a redesign in mind for this blog, and decided to just move EVERYTHING on over. SO, if you’re still checking for updates here, you’re missing out. I am NOW blogging over at my new home spot on the web at a blog called Stellar Day Blog. You can find me talking about all the same things I did here and MORE at www.stellardayblog.com.

Come check it out and sign up for my emails so you don’t miss out on anything.

SEE YOU THERE.

dear cruz and rider,

4 Jun

Sometimes, being busy is a good thing. Sometimes, it’s not. I feel like for myself, these past several weeks have been a mix of both extremes. I have been finding myself extremely overwhelmed with work, thankful for the job I have, busily rushing around you both, AND trying to make intentional time to focus on you and just to be a mom too. This balance that I have to find, I will never understand. I’m often told by other mom’s that it looks like I am super mom. That it looks like I have it all together. And that I do it with grace. While those are HUGE compliments to me and also very encouraging, I DO sometimes feel like the world is running AROUND me. That I’m NOT making time for what’s important. And I’m constantly feeling guilty for the nights that I can’t tuck you in. AmI doing the right things here? Do I work too much? Am I shuffling around my boys- the very REASON why I stayed home to begin with?

It’s a constant battle. One that I fight every day in an effort to make sure that I am maintaining some sort of BALANCE. And it’s not ever easy. I find that in my life, Satan does everything that is possible to make sure that the balance in my life is constantly chaos. If it’s chaos, it means that I am doing something very, very wrong. And it means that I’m not focusing on what’s important here. And that I’m not spending time with Jesus and allowing HIM to direct my steps. It only means that I’m relying on myself and all the things that I think are important to get done. And I’m not focusing on things from above, like the Bible calls us to.

Anyways. I guess this quick little letter is my way of saying. ‘I’m sorry’ to you both. You’re both too little to understand all of this big vocabulary, but someday you will. I’m sorry that I’ve spent the last few months rushing around you, impatient, sleep deprived, and grumpy. Mommy is doing some things to get back on track, including changing my diet so I’m not so irritable. I’ve been really, really horrible at keeping and maintaining any kind of balance these days. And you boys have gotten the short end of the stick, somewhat. I do promise you, that mommy is doing the best that she can. And I promise you that you really ARE the first things I think about when it comes to any decision I have to make. And I promise you that I’m going to strive for more balance in all the areas of our lives. And that when the balance scale is starting to tip, I will be more intentional about spending time with Jesus to get me back on track instead of just plowing forward, hoping the season will end soon.

Even though I am your mommy, and I’m trying to do the very best that I can, I still make mistakes too. I’m still learning and growing too. And I’m so lucky to have both of you as my little boys. Both of you sweet, patient with me, forgiving. And loving me enough to see past the mistakes I’m making along the way. I’m so grateful that we are in this journey together as a support system to one another. That’s what family is. And I’m so glad you’re mine.

I love you all the time.

Mommy xo

 

dear cruz,

16 Nov

You are three. And I can’t even hardly believe it. It’s going so fast.

Part of me is grateful that you are three. Even in the past couple days, you have gotten SO fun. Even the sentences you’ve been putting together seem more adult. And it’s really amazingly fun to watch you grow and do new things.

But then I could bawl almost instantly at the thought of you growing up. Because I swear, you JUST looked like this:

But now you are three. And heaven forbid I blink again. Because if I do, you’ll be moving out, getting married and starting your own family. So for now, I am learning to embrace every little thing and every little day. I’m learning to celebrate every day. Not JUST your birthdays. I’m learning that work is important, but that it will always be there. And while I am so passionate about being a photographer, there is nothing I am more passionate about than being a good mamma to you and to Rider. Although I lose my way sometimes, I think. But you remind me every day that these days are not promised. And that these days will quickly pass us by.

And that they already have.

I’d give anything to go back and snuggle you in your rocking chair one more time. And I’m sure that I will feel that way, every single birthday you have.

You are an amazing kiddo. With talents already that far surpass anything that your daddy and I have in our bloodstream. You love the drums. We are working on getting you a drum set, but we have to find the right one. Because you will know the difference. And you already know how to play it. And it blows us away, all the time.

You are learning to share. And not doing THAT well with it, I’ll be honest. HA. But you are learning. And I pray every single day that you will grow to have a very generous, giving heart. Because you DO have a very compassionate spirit.

You are one of the best things that has ever happened to us.

Your third birthday was SUCH a fun day. At lunch time you even said, “Today’s a fun day mamma! I love you!”. And it was totally unprompted and melted my heart. We had blueberry ‘cupcakes’ for breakfast, which were actually muffins and that you DIDN’t eat. But you had fun blowing out the candle. You got a new car- the Cozy Coupe! And I actually used to play with a version of this car when I was a kid. You love it SO much and haven’t stopped playing with it since. We went to the train park and had more cupcakes with friends. But you only licked the frosting. And we went to Chickfila for lunch because it’s your favorite and you ask for it every day. Even though we don’t eat it every day. You didn’t really nap. And then we went to the church to watch Daddy play guitar for the high school group. We came home and I let you stay up late to watch Cars 2. It was a simple day, full of celebrating and lots of love. And you were so happy.

I am so blessed by you Cruz. Daddy and I wish you the best 3rd year of life here with us. And we pray every day that God will guide us to take better care of you this year than we did the last. And that He will continue to teach us about you so we can cherish you as He does. And so that you can grow up to become the man He’s created you to be.

But until then, please don’t hurry up to be anything other than three. Because this mamma’s heart can’t handle watching you grow up too quickly. Because once you do, you will leave us as you should. But I’m not ready to even think about that. Please slow down the growing up. And enjoy your red and yellow car for as long as you want.

I love you forever,

Mommy

dear cruz,

3 Jun

It took almost 8 months, but you finally decided that your brother isn’t actually that bad. Your first bath together was one of my happiest and greatest moments to date as a mamma. Nothing thrilled me more than to watch you two playing together and making each other laugh. I think you sat there for an entire five minutes mimicking Rider’s squeals and babbles and it made him laugh endlessly. Which then made you laugh endlessly. Which made me cry watching you two.

I knew there HAD to be a day that you would come around and enjoy having Rider here. You just weren’t totally into it right from the beginning. And while I did spend sometime stressing out and praying about it, I actually wouldn’t have it any other way! The moment that you wanted to get into the bath and play with Rider for the first time was THE BEST moment. And I’d do the past eight months over again in the same exact way to have my heart as full as it was in that moment.

Totally worth it.

I think I will cherish whatever relationship you have with your brother MORE, simply because it hasn’t been the easiest road ever since we introduced him to you. But I know that you love him. Now that he interacts a little bit more and can already laugh at your jokes, I see a beginning of a very special friendship happening. And it fills my heart and makes me do nothing but want to cry.

I know all too well how special it is to be close to your siblings. To have them as your best friends and to love being with them. I have wanted nothing less for the two of you. And while I realize that I can’t FORCE it to happen in MY time, I have been praying that you two would be close someday.

It just hasn’t happened in my timing. As most things don’t.

I am beyond happy for bath time these days. It’s about fifteen minutes a day where I can count on the fact that you two will play well together. That you will make each other laugh and enjoy being brothers in the water together.

I deeply hope and pray that this is a glimpse into the future for you both. That you will grow up the best of buds and that your adult years will be full of love, friendship and being there for one another. As best friends and family do. I can only hope and pray that you will find friendship in one another as I have in my sisters. Yes, you’ll fight and want to kill each other sometimes. But you’ll be the first to stand up for one another when they need it. Or you’ll be there when hearts get broken, as much as that thought pains me. I pray for a special friendship and bond between the two of you. One that you both will one day realize is so special and that you’ll take care of.

These are the moments that make all the hard stuff SO worth it. All the frustration, sleepless nights, tears- GONE in this instant. And it makes me realize that while this job is HARD (being mom), I’d do all of it all over again to be able to sit and savor moments like these. I’ll never forget this moment, Cruz. When you asked to get into the bath with brother and when you decided that he’s actually not THAT bad after all.

I can only hope and pray for a thousand more moments just like this.

I love you Cruz. You are a special little boy. I pray that you and Rider will have a friendship that will grow over the years in whatever capacity it should grow. I know that you will become the best big brother that there is. And I’m so proud of this sweet moment that you wanted to get in and play with him.

It’s enough to fill my heart for a LONG time.

I love you always,

Mommy

 

dear cruz,

20 Jan

If I could teach you just one thing in this life, aside from teaching you about Jesus, I hope and pray that I can teach you this:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9

This is something that I am still trying to learn. It’s something I struggle with every day, and something I pray that I won’t struggle with for much longer. But this passage is really hard for me. It’s hard, in this world we live in, to not be anxious about anything. To not worry about everything. To not be fearful.

I understand, completely.

Cruz, when life is overwhelming, when your mind won’t shut off, when fear takes over and when you’re anxious about so many things and you don’t know why- know that you can trust our Almighty Savior. Mediate on this passage. Trust in Jesus. And pray without ceasing. There’s so much about this life and this world that doesn’t make sense. There’s so much bad, anger and hate in the world and it is scary. Evil is scary. This life is only for a moment. Don’t waste your whole life being afraid and anxious about everything. Dwell on things that are pure and right and honorable. Fill your mind with the positive. Surround yourself with things that are true and pure. Guard your heart. Guard your mind. God promises peace. God is peace. Fill your life with Him, and you will live a life of peace. Even if everything around you is not peaceful.

I pray for you every day, Cruz. I pray that you and Rider both will live lives that are free of anxiety and fear. Lives that are full of peace and truth and honor. Do not be afraid. God is with you and will uphold you. Trust in Him, for He never fails.

I love you, my sweet boy.

Mommy

 


dear cruz,

30 Nov

You turned 2 this month. Two years old. TWO. I just know I am going to blink and you’ll be turning 14 soon.

And I am so not ready for that.

It’s been a crazy season, ever since we brought brother home. That first week home with the two of you was probably one of the hardest weeks of my entire life. I thought for sure that you were wondering if things were ever going to be the same again. I wondered if you were confused. I wondered if you were mad at me. And that thought almost killed me. But over the past almost 12 weeks, daddy and I have watched you adapt and grow to really love your little brother. And nothing warms my heart more than when you lean in to give him kisses. Or when you still like to help me burp him. Or how you ask to go see him every morning if he’s not awake when you get up. It’s a special thing, to watch two brother’s relationship and friendship begin to develop. I pray for it to grow every single day. And I can’t wait for the day when you two will be running around wreaking havoc and getting into all sorts of mischief.

But then I can wait. Not just because of all the mischief that’s headed my way. But because I am all too familiar with how horribly fast this life goes. And I don’t want to miss it.

You are such a special kid. You are talking more and more these days- sometimes in complete sentences! You repeat EVERYTHING we say. Everything. It has us laughing all day long. You started sleeping in a big boy bed last week. And while I have an entire post on that coming, I’m happy to report that you have completely blown us away with how easy that transition was!

Can potty training be that easy please?

Your daddy and I often look at each other after you’ve said or done something and we say out loud how truly awesome you are. It’s true. You are seriously one awesome little dude. We have been so blessed by your life and you bring SO much to our lives. When I was a kid and imagined what my future children would be like, I had no idea that God was going to bless me with two of the most amazingly cool little boys ever. You are one special boy Cruz.

You bless my life so much, everyday.

So here’s to another year together little guy. I’m the luckiest girl to be your mamma.

I love you forever!

Mamma

dear cruz,

9 Sep

You are about to become a big brother. A BIG BROTHER! It’s pretty crazy that God has chosen you to be a big brother to a little brother. There really is nothing like having a younger sibling or two. Being the oldest is something special indeed. You will have Rider who will look up to you, respect you and want to BE you in a lot of ways. I pray every day that your friendship and love for each other is as strong as me and my sisters. It’s really special Cruz, to have a little brother. It’s something that will be annoying at times and one that you’ll truly grow to value in your life. There aren’t many people who are more important than my sisters. It’s a very special relationship that will always be apart of your life soon here! Mommy and Daddy are so excited for this new change- to add Rider to our crazy life and to bring him home to meet you! For so long you’ve just been talking to and kissing my belly, trying to understand what we mean when we tell you that your brother is in there. And you get to meet him soon! And he will be your little brother always; someone who thinks you are the greatest person on earth and who just wants to be near you, with you and just like you. You have a special role, my son, as big brother. And Mommy can’t believe it’s almost here!

Mommy has been making sure to do some fun things with you this week. We had a special ‘cookie date’ at Paradise Bakery, where I learned that you LOVE the sprinkle cookies as much as I do! I tried to eat the cookie fast so I could have some too, but you loved it and so while we tried to share, you pretty much ate all of it. Ha! Mommy loved sitting there with you as you played with Woody, Buzz and your cars, knowing that these were one of our last little ‘dates’ where Rider wasn’t in the picture. I truly took it all in, watching you eat, laugh and play. Chocolate chips ALL over your mouth and letting you take sips of soda. It was a great memory for Mommy and I always have the best time when it’s the two of us.

Daddy and I took you to Peter Piper Pizza, wondering if there would be things for you to do there since you are so little. But you LOVED it. You loved ‘playing ski-ball’ with Daddy, riding the carousel and playing other various games that you really are too young to play right now. And although you wouldn’t even TASTE the pizza (you’re missing out kid!) you were such a blast to hang out with. When it was time to leave, you didn’t want to go, asking for More! More! We’ll go back there soon, I promise.

I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what life’s going to look like once Rider’s here. And Mommy has been crying a lot lately, at the thought of it not just being us two anymore. I always wonder if I have had enough time with just you. And while God’s design for our family has looked different than what we planned at this point, we are SO excited for Rider to come. The uncertainty of it all makes me nervous, but I know that God’s grace will cover us and I pray more than anything that it will cover YOU. That this transition will be smooth and gentle on your tender spirit. I promise that Mommy will still give you all the same love and more after Rider comes. I promise that Mommy and Daddy will always take care of you like we do right now. And I promise that once Mommy is feeling better after having Rider, we will have many more cookie dates and McDonald’s dates like we do now. You are my special first born child. I can’t imagine ever loving another child the way I love you. And yet, I know I am about to experience it. I am about to enter into a world where I have TWO little boys to love on and cherish. How did I get so lucky, Cruz? How did God choose YOU to be a part of Mommy and Daddy’s lives? You will never be forgotten as we add onto our family. You will never be left behind. You will always be my little Cruzer, someone who is incredibly special to us and who has changed our lives in all the best ways possible.

You are going to be a big brother. Wow. You are going to be the best big brother there is, I just know it. And always remember how much Mommy and Daddy love you. Always remember how much we are blessed by you. And when you’re a little older and Rider’s getting on your nerves, remember what it means to be a big brother. Have patience with him. He loves and looks up to you so much and only wants to be with and like you every second. You’re one cool dude in his world. Give him grace and space to be his own person. Come to his defense when he needs it, but step back from time to time too. I will always be praying for a healthy brotherly love for you two- that you would be the best of friends who play hard and fight some too (it’s good for the soul!). But that at the end of the day, you would both be Godly men who seek Jesus in every aspect of your lives. And that you would encourage one another, lift each other up, and be the best of friends. No matter how hard life gets or where it may take you.

Mommy loves you Cruz. You are so special to me. You’ve taught me more in these past 22 months than I’ve ever learned in my whole life. Seeing the world through your eyes has taught me more about myself, my friendships, and my perspective than ever before. And you didn’t even know you were doing that for me! You are a very special little guy- the coolest kid on the block, but one with such a sweet, tender spirit and gentle demeanor. Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t change what we have in you for anything. We love you tremendously Cruz. There is no one else like you.

I love you so much,

Mommy