convicted

11 Oct

Lately, I’ve just had a pretty horrible attitude. I’ll be honest here. Every day I wake up, I’ve been finding myself only thinking about the next time I can get into bed to sleep. And then it dawns on me that the next time THAT is going to happen isn’t until around 11:30 pm. That’s about the point of my day where my bad attitude begins. And usually that thought enters my brain before my feet touch the floor. Then I find myself going through the day agonizing over tasks that every mom has to do. I just have been finding myself so tired that I just don’t really want to do anything. And there’s A LOT of things that have to get done within my day. Everyone’s days look like this- I am not alone here. But my attitude has just really sucked lately. First I find myself counting down the hours to naptime (for the boys) and then they get up and I find myself counting down the hours to bedtime (for the boys) and finally counting down the minutes to when I can finally lay down. To which, I still dread getting up for the night time feedings so my attitude even sucks when I go to bed.

Gosh, who AM I? This isn’t me.

“I don’t want to feed anyone else, wipe any more butts or clean any more messes.” I would say to Jay. I said this until he finally said, “I feel like you say that a lot these days.”

Uh oh, I thought, My bad attitude is totally spilling over and affecting the rest of my family.

Jay didn’t say anything else about it. He’s typically always really supportive of me and my quick changing moods. Especially these days. But when he said that, it was the first time in awhile that I sat back and actually thought about how my attitude is affecting people around me. What’s even more sad, it’s truly how I feel sometimes! Somedays I just want to sleep all day long and not have to work, clean, wipe noses, butts and breast feed. Selfish? Yes. Truth? Yes. These feelings definitely come in waves, and some days (or hours) are better than others. But I’ve just been honestly waking up wondering when the day is going to be over so I can sleep again, and my family is paying for it.

So while I was picking up the house that same afternnoon, Proverbs 31 popped into my mind. I thought I had remembered a part in that passage that talked about a wife that works with delight. I was immediately convicted. Is that part in Proverbs 31?, I thought. I didn’t want it to be. But I took a little time and looked up the entire passage. And it really, really spoke to me. Here in bold are the parts that stuck out to me most.

“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She looks for wool and flax and works with her hands in delight. She is like merchant ships; She brings her food from afar. She rises while it is still night and gives food to her household and portions to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; From her earnings she plants a vineyard. She girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She senses that her gain is good; Her lamp does not go out at night. She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle. She extends her hand to the poor and she stretches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her saying “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. Give her the product of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.” Proverbs 31:10-31

Wow. This woman is busy. And I’m sure she doesn’t always have it all figured out. And I’m sure she still cries and gets emotional occasionally. And she probably still feels exhausted, like all mom’s and women do. But she doesn’t have a bad attitude. She is a hard worker- one who works with delight. I don’t remember the last time I worked with delight. I’ve only been preoccupied with how tired I am. And with Rider’s schedule. And with all the laundry that isn’t getting done. And how the house isn’t clean. I haven’t been having a positive attitude about things lately and I certainly haven’t been working with delight.

And while the Proverbs 31 women is something to strive for, I realize that I am not perfect. And that it’s OK to feel overwhelmed in motherhood and as a working mom. I certainly don’t want to seem (or be) fake about how I’m feeling. BUT, this passage has completely convicted me about my attitude with our current life stage. And my attitude is spilling over onto my husband and my children, which I didn’t realize was happening. And while everything isn’t going to be perfect all the time, this should be the type of woman that I should be striving to be. I’ve just lost sight of what kind of wife and mom I want to be. I’ve been so caught up in the exhaustion of it all that I’ve started to lose sight of what’s really important here. How sad.

So here’s to a new day. One that will be just as hard as yesterday, but one where my attitude will be different.

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11 Responses to “convicted”

  1. Alex Evjen October 11, 2010 at 8:43 am #

    Thanks for sharing this scripture, Jess. It was really encouraging to me too. Cheers to new days!

    • jesswilliams October 11, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

      Thanks Alex! I’m glad it encouraged you today!! xo

  2. amberrose October 11, 2010 at 9:02 am #

    Sweet girl-
    Having soooo been right where you are now, I won’t lie to you.. IT IS FLIPPIN HARD..like so so hard. Yes all you do is wipe butts and breast feed..shower??HAHAHAHA..thats about the funniest thing EVER. Sleep is at an all time low and every single place you look, just seems like yet another task you do not have the time or energy to accomplish. Truthfully at times I had visions of ripping Proverbs 31 into a million pieces and burning it..hahaha..joking..kinda:)
    BUT.. take this time for what it is, embrace it, don’t fight it, for it does pass..quickly. Yes there are always dishes in the sink, but no Rider will not always be so sweet and snugly and Cruz will soon be wondering why he can’t play Xbox every night of the week:) Let the laundry be, you can shower in a year or so and embrace where you are right this moment, because even though it sounds clique, it’s right where God wants you:)
    Love ya!

    • jesswilliams October 11, 2010 at 5:01 pm #

      Amber- This made me miss you A LOT. I actually teared up a little bit!! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement/wisdom. I miss having you here so I can unload all my emotional craziness onto you and have you tell me that I’m actually NOT going crazy! I don’t even know how you had twins!! You are my HERO! I miss you so and I promise I will call you one of these days! We have lots to catch up on, I’m sure. Love you! xo

  3. Alexis October 11, 2010 at 1:48 pm #

    Just what I needed to read. THANK YOU! You are not alone in any of those thoughts… You can do it! I love you girl! How about a walk in the park one day soon?! You pick the time and place and we will be there. 🙂

    • jesswilliams October 11, 2010 at 5:02 pm #

      Thanks Lexi! I’m so glad I’m not alone and that this encouraged you today! I’d love to meet up soon for sure! Miss you!

  4. Leslie October 13, 2010 at 9:01 am #

    Jess – REMEMBER you’re ONLY 4/5/6ish weeks postpartum.
    IT IS OK to feel that way, IT IS OK that you don’t have it all figured out IT IS OK! Proverbs 31 is AWESOME and SO inspiriing, you should read it in the AM to kick start your day, but REMEMBER IT IS OK!

    Now, please repeat these things to me in approximately 10 weeks when I’m in your shoes 😉

    • jesswilliams October 13, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

      Yes, I do try to remember that I JUST had a baby and I’m trying to give myself a break. I also remember then that Rider is only going to be a newborn once and I don’t want to miss these special sweet times just because my attitude SUCKED. haha you know? But yes, you are right. it IS ok!

      I will DEFINITELY remind you of this when your little one arrives! Going to two is hard. But it’s week 5 for us and I’m having a better week than I have in awhile and I’m not nearly as exhausted. PTL. lol!

  5. Andrea October 13, 2010 at 11:28 am #

    Oh, Jess… I’m right there with you, and no doubt most other moms are too! I want to be able to do it all and make everyone happy and I constantly find myself saying yes to everything or offering to do things and then when I am in the middle of it all I feel COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED. And then I let people down and my attitude sucks and I want so badly to be the Proverbs 31 mom! I think it’s so important to make peace with our limits and live well within them. It’s just a matter of being sure others are aware of your limits and being OK with not catering to requests that are above and beyond because you must first take care of your family. And there is so much joy to be found in the everyday BETWEEN all the butt-wiping and nose-blowing and breastfeeding and loads of dirty diapers in the washing machine. Just look at those sweet boys’ faces and enjoy watching them grow and learn and savor things as they are right now- and in all the “right nows” you have ahead of you! Love you!

    • jesswilliams October 13, 2010 at 2:08 pm #

      Love you too girl! Thanks for your thoughts/input/encouragement. I know you know how it goes- even with one it’s hard! And I appreciate your friendship! xoxox

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. comparison kills « Journal of a Mom - November 29, 2010

    […] in a season where I’ve struggled with finding joy and delight in all the things I have to do, I still find myself looking around and wondering how everyone else […]

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