anxious again

11 Dec

Lately, I’ve been struggling with and having anxiety again. I struggled with anxiety before Cruz was born, and even sought some therapy for it. It helped a great deal and I thought I was maybe getting through it and working on stuff. Then I got pregnant with Cruz and my entire mind shifted to him. He became my every thought. My anxiety didn’t matter anymore, because I had a little baby that I needed to make sure made it to full term. I didn’t have time to be anxious about stuff. Then he was born and figuring out mommyhood consumed my mind. Those first few months are rough and any anxious thoughts I had, were directly stemmed from whether or not he was eating enough, sleeping enough etc. It was a different kind of anxiety and I didn’t feel it was in vain. It was because I was trying to take the best care possible of my little boy.

Now I kinda feel like I’ve gotta handle on being mommy. Although I am aware that you never stop learning as a mom (or as a human for that matter) and every stage brings new challenges and new anxieties. But I don’t feel as anxious about being a mom as I did in those first few months. But I do feel anxious again.

I’m not sure what it is, either. And it’s kinda freaking me out because this is how I felt the last time I struggled with it. I had a period of time where I couldn’t be in big groups of people for too long because the walls would start to cave in. Panic attacks are not new to me. I haven’t had one in a long time, and I pray I don’t ever again. They are not fun and they are very scary. But even as I sit here, this morning- this calm, quiet, nobody’s awake yet morning- I am anxious. God tells us not to be anxious about anything, but to pray about everything. Wow that’s hard. It’s something I should probably tattoo on my wrist so I’m reminded about it daily.

Seriously.

It’s such an internal struggle for me. And the anxieties I have are really, really trivial. If I even tried to write out what’s making me anxious this morning, you would just say “Well, stop thinking that way.” or “You’re reading into stuff.” or “I’m sure it’s not really that bad.”

And none of that would help. Because I already know all that. It’s getting my brain to really understand that, that’s the hard part.

You can say it probably has to do with all the change we’ve been through in the past few months. And that we still don’t have a job (although we are getting closer to that!!) and that life is probably stressing me out. That we’re so busy that I haven’t really had a second to just breathe. That I’m a social person and haven’t had much contact with my friends, which kills me. That the two miscarriages I’ve had and all the emotions that come with that are still catching up to me. That the thought of moving anywhere is terrifying and overwhelming. That while I’m grateful for the fact that we lost our job, I’m still angry with certain individuals over the whole mess.

And you’d be right. I’m sure it does have to do with all of that.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. This is actually turning out to be a very vulnerable blog post for me. And I’m not even sure where I’m going with it. I guess I just need you to pray for me- whatever prayer looks like for you, dear reader. Please pray for me. Satan attacks my thought life in every way possible, all the days of my life. It’s always been a huge struggle for me, even as a kid. I don’t want to get sucked back into the road of panic attacks and fearful living. I’ve been doing so well with it and I need it stay that way. Jason and Cruz need it to stay that way too. I’m not trying to make it sound like I’m doing awful- I’m not! I’ve just been having anxious thoughts again and taking them captive is the hardest thing for me to do.

I didn’t know what to write this morning. And all of this just came out. It’s pretty hard for me to write about this, because it’s something that I can easily hide and just let it fester within me. But I need to be honest. And while I’m happy and grateful and thrilled for new adventures, I’m also having days where I deeply struggle. We all wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have our ups and downs, right?

So if you think of me, please say a quick prayer for me. Today has already started off with me waking up anxiously, and this road of anxiety can’t be in my life again. It just can’t. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Maybe what I need is just a good ol’ girls night out!

And if you’re up for that, let me know.

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11 Responses to “anxious again”

  1. Carrie Stribling December 11, 2009 at 8:39 am #

    Jess, I totally know how you are feeling. I know you probably hate when ppl say that because maybe I really don’t. But I can tell you I feel the same way you do, often. I find that you and I are a lot alike in many ways! I am glad that you rambled about this though. I know when I am having a tough day or week that my blog is what saves me. I know that may sound dumb, but maybe yours is saving you too. When you can just ramble, it doesn’t matter if it makes sense, your blog never has to answer, or judge. You never really know if someone reads it and has nothing to say about it either. I am glad you got this off your mind or at least out there, hoping this let a lil relief to your day….I will say a lil prayer for you today, hang in there!
    I love you!

    • jesswilliams December 11, 2009 at 10:30 pm #

      I love you too Carrie! You are right- we are a lot alike I think! It’s great to know that other people are in a similar boat- we are in the same one together often, so at least I’m in good company! 😉 Thanks for the prayers! Love you girl! xo

  2. Shea Williams December 11, 2009 at 11:35 am #

    I love you Jess!!! XOXOXO

    • jesswilliams December 11, 2009 at 10:29 pm #

      I love you too Mom! xo 🙂

  3. Julie Thompson December 11, 2009 at 2:22 pm #

    Jess,

    I also suffer from anxiety. Sometimes it so bad that I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. I have found with me that it comes from the feeling of not having control. I even get anxious from surprises. That’s how much I need to be in control. I found the best thing for me to do is an activity that gives me control. Sometimes I pay a few bill since Mike normally does all that or I clean. If nothing is working I take a walk or a bath or both. I hope I could be of some help even in a small way. You’re not alone! You are also welcome over for some girl time anytime just give me a call.

    • jesswilliams December 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm #

      Thanks Julie… It does help to know that I’m not alone. I know a lot of people struggle with anxiety, all stemming from different things. It’s so hard and it’s so hard to explain to people who don’t really get it. Hang in there girl! You can always call me too!!

  4. Samantha December 11, 2009 at 5:23 pm #

    THis blog renews my passion to finish my book. Hold on Jess, Just give me some time to finish it and maybe it could help!

    • jesswilliams December 11, 2009 at 10:27 pm #

      I’ll hang on and I can’t wait to read it!! Let me know if you need anyone to read any rough drafts- not to pick apart or edit, but for support. Love you! xo

  5. Alex December 14, 2009 at 12:50 pm #

    i’m so glad that you wrote this and put your thoughts down on “virtual paper.” =) Satan is definitely attacking your thought life. the truth is that your friends care for you very deeply. though we can all wound each other, i think that anyone that knows you values you. you are a very special person and you mean a lot to me.

    i love you girl, and God is loving your vulnerability and honesty right now. He is also glad that you are trying to rely on him the best that you can.

    i’m so excited for what’s to unfold in the very near future. there will always be in your future anxious seasons, but if you can look back at past seasons, i’m sure you can see a tremendous amount of growth.

  6. Chris December 24, 2009 at 10:06 am #

    Hey Jess,
    I’ve had some battles where anxiety has really gotten to me. For a while I thought I was physically sick because I would itch, get light headed and totally stress out. I had no idea that was a panic attack. I even had to take medication when the symptoms really got to me physically for a while during all of the stuff I went through when Jacob was smaller. I used to deal with my anxiety through an eating disorder. It was my ultimate way of being in control. Yeah, I have control issues. No surprise there. Anyhow, I know what I have to do is turn those stresses over to God. But, I have a hard time doing that. I too read way in to stuff and probably have these unreal confrontations in my head all the time. So, I know what you’re going through. If you ever need a sounding bored from someone who won’t think you are losing it, I’m here for you!

  7. Alva Vandine December 27, 2009 at 3:27 am #

    Easily, this article is really the most informative on this deserving topic. I agree with your conclusions and am eagerly look forward to your future updates. Just saying thanks will not just be enough, for the extraordinary clarity in your views and writing. I’m signing up to

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