bad month

5 Oct

September was one of the worst months I’ve ever gone through. I still haven’t fully wrapped my brain around everything that’s happened in our lives. I thought I’d write a quick, nutshell version of what happened. I’m sort of tired of going over the details and talking about stuff, except for with a few friends that are close to us. So I thought I’d explain where we are at and once I can actually understand these things, maybe I’ll write more on it in the future.

At the beginning of September, Jason and I found out that I was pregnant. I am not pregnant any longer. A couple weeks later, I had a miscarriage. We were not trying to get pregnant. We still aren’t trying to have another baby. It was a ‘whoops’ that we weren’t expecting. But loosing that baby was still super painful. This isn’t the first time we’ve lost a baby. This is the second miscarriage I’ve had in my life. I know it’s common in most women, but those statistics aren’t comforting. I know many have gone through it. I might go through it more times again. But it never makes it easy. It never makes it less painful. It never makes sense.

It’s not important how far along I was or when I would have been due. I’m working through all the details of this loss with people that have had a miscarriage before. And although we weren’t expecting it and I do already have Cruz to keep my mind off of it, it still was my baby. And while I do trust that God’s plan is bigger in our lives, even when I don’t understand, it doesn’t make the pain of that loss any less real.

After we came back from our vacation in San Diego, Jason was let go from his job at Cornerstone. So were 10 other people. So after 10 years of faithfully giving all we had to give, we have been given the news that we are no longer needed. That the tithing’s aren’t up, the economy is hard and they are having to let people go.

*Sigh*

My heart is in pain right now. Two big losses in one month is a lot to take. Its a deep mix of emotions, trying to sort out both losses at the same time. I’m trying to put my finger on exactly how I should feel. Jason and I have been completely surrounded by the people in our small group and certain other individuals. In other aspects, I feel completely alone. Our lives have been flipped upside down and we don’t know where to go from here.

But we also have the world at our fingertips and could go anywhere. That thought is exhilarating.

So I write this post, with tears streaming down my face, knowing that God has a plan for us. God has always taken care of us. Jason is a wonderful, talented, gifted man and worship leader. I’ve never met anyone more faithful, more committed and more giving of his heart and time than anyone in my entire life. Humble to the core, there isn’t anything that Jason does that doesn’t have a pure purpose. Nothing. I know that God is going to continue to use this man in a community of people who are ready for him. Who are ready for us.

And I am excited that God has made this decision so clear for us. He’s always made it clear that He’s going to direct our steps and that all we need to do is follow.

So follow we will. Trusting him with our family, our jobs, our income, our future. And while I am struggling with this season of our lives, I am relieved that I serve a God who’s watching out for us. One who’s rescued us. And one who promises to take care of us.

I’m in no better hands.

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10 Responses to “bad month”

  1. Sarah October 5, 2009 at 10:12 am #

    Oh Jess, I don’t know how many times you can hear this but I’m SO sorry. I cannot imagine what you may be feeling and going through right now but I wanted you to know that I’ll be praying for you and your family, as always. I’m happy that you have such a great support system of friends surrounding you to help you guys out through these tough times. Please know that although I’m far away I’m still here if you ever need an escape or a different shoulder to cry on. I love you Jess.

  2. Lindsay Guard October 5, 2009 at 10:19 am #

    Love you Jess…I’m honored to get to walk through both losses with you as I’ve got lots to say about both! I’m excited to see where God is going to lead you guys and the freedom that is going to come with that. As soon as this darn cough is gone we’re catching up on our coffee!

  3. Shari Lopatin October 5, 2009 at 11:00 am #

    Hey Jess,

    I read this and my heart just BROKE. No other way to describe it. Broke for you, for Jay, for such a close friend since childhood. I also admire your optomistic faith in such tough times.

    Listen, I really want to have you, Jay and Cruz come over one weekend . . . soon . . . and let Oscar and I cook a great meal (our culinary skills have grown immensely). We can all just chat, laugh, and let things feels somewhat normal in this crazy, unfair world right now.

    To make you feel a bit better, I just bought Cruz his first birthday gift; I’m very excited you’ve had that little blessing for a year now! And I can’t wait to give it to him (and you and Jay!).

    While I cannot know the pain of a miscarriage, I do know the pain of something else (also medical). And the feelings of loss, I think, are similar. If you want, you and I can meet up for coffee one day and just talk. Or, we can even spend some time on the phone. I know I’m not part of your close circle anymore, life moves on sometimes. But whenever we meet and talk, it always goes back to 6th grade and it just clicks. Soemtimes, in such hard times, that’s comforting.

    Anyway, I’ll stop with this novel right now. Beautifully written blog post. You haven’t lost your writer’s touch! =)

    Shari

  4. Alex October 5, 2009 at 2:02 pm #

    it’s going to be okay.”He holds the universe.” *big hug* i’ll see your beautiful face tomorrow!

  5. Carrie October 5, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    Jess, my dear, I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Although I do not know the hardship of losing a baby, I do know the tough times when your other half loses a job. To have both of these happen at the same time…yuck! But I do know that God wouldn’t have taken you guys down this road if he knew you couldn’t handle it. I believe in you guys and know that things will turn around. Here’s a good quote to live by….”Everything will be okay in the end, if its not okay, then its not the end” I will be praying for you guys as well. Remember, we are family and that is what Im here for, anytime you need:)
    Love you!

  6. amaris October 5, 2009 at 6:49 pm #

    I just love you…and believe SO hugely that where you are lead in the coming season is for the purpose God has been preparing all along. You, me, and couple a cold DC’s are in our future! hahaa ; ) Loves

  7. Trudy Maples October 5, 2009 at 9:12 pm #

    Dear Jessica and Jason:
    I was sad to read this blog, I am so sorry about both of your losses!! You are loved and we are praying!!

  8. MoDLin October 8, 2009 at 1:29 pm #

    Hi Jess – I just discovered your blog and am sorry I have found you at such a difficult time. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly and honestly. Best wishes for a brighter future.

  9. Kelly Brown October 9, 2009 at 1:19 pm #

    Oh Jess…..My heart goes out to you! Please know you’re in my thoughts & prayers. You / Jason! Please give Cruzer a xo from me.
    ❤ Me.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 28 years « Journal of a Mom - July 14, 2010

    […] was all before we lost our job, had a miscarriage, got pregnant again (with Rider), had to decide if we were going to accept a job […]

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