I’m not even sure where to start.
I am just really struggling with a few things in my life recently. And to be honest, when it all boils down to it, it ALL has to do with what Gods trying to teach me right now. I thought I was having an identity crisis. But as it turns out, I’m just being really selfish. Then I started feeling anxious and unhappy in being a mom. And as that turns out, I’m just being really selfish there, too.
Cruz has hit an entirely new level of difficult these days. And I’ve learned A LOT about what God’s love looks like, even though I know THAT’S not fully possible to comprehend. I feel like I’m learning what it means to love someone even when they’re disobedient and telling you that they don’t like you. I’m learning what it means to be selfless. Because there is no room for selfishness when being a mom. And to be honest, there have been quite a few times within these last thirty days that I have wanted to be anything BUT a mom.
Maybe you’ve never felt that way before. But I bet you have, even if you aren’t willing to admit it.
It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. And I constantly wonder if I am just going to screw this up. Don’t we all wonder that? Being a mom is a constant job. It is constant. And the selfish side of me, isn’t always happy about it. Lately, I’ve just wished for my desk job back and the mornings when I put my high heels on, left with a granola bar and a coffee and drove thirty miles to my corporate job. Do I REALLY want that? Would i REALLY trade my life in for all that again? For all the free time? For sleeping in?
Of course not.
I love my family. And I love my boys. And I would do ALL of the difficult days over one hundred times if it meant that I got to have THEM. I have just spent a lot of time being really, really selfish. And trying to keep balance in my life. Really, what I’m discovering, is that while I have a LOT of discipline in my life, I don’t have much discipline when it comes to ME these days. Which is weird because I just finished telling you how selfish I’VE been. But my heart HAS been really selfish. And I’ve been discontent in my day to day routine. I HAVE been wishing for nap times and bed times to come a little faster each day. I’ve just hit a wall where I’ve done a lot of taking care of other people (kids, husband, family, clients), and very little of myself. I am usually good at taking care of myself first, but this pat month I have let it slip. And out of exhaustion and frustration, I have created discontent in my heart. And because of that, I am missing some valuable moments with my kids. I’m realizing that I shouldn’t be living in a world where I wish for naps and bedtime to come faster. That is not me.
So I’m getting back on track. I’m trying to set aside time for myself within my week where I can just be ALONE for a couple of hours. And where I can recharge, collect my thoughts, and come up with a better plan for each week. A few things need to adjust in my world a little bit, but mostly, my attitude needs adjusting. I love taking care of my boys and my family. And I love being a mom. I love that I work and have something to do separate from them as well, as I think that that area of my life USUALLY makes me a better mom. But I’ve let my own selfishness get in the way a little bit. Because honestly, I wouldn’t trade being a mom to those two boys for anything. Even though the toddler stage has been really, really, hard. And I’m just exhausted.
So the bottom line is this. I have wrestled with being a mom this month. But in the end, I think God is stretching me and teaching me things about myself THROUGH my kids in ways that He can only do when things are hard. I’ve had to cry and pray and lean on Him a lot in this short season. And I am learning that being the mother to Cruz and Rider IS my calling. I know it’s my calling because if God hadn’t called me to be a mom, he wouldn’t have given me those boys. It is my responsibility to respond to His calling in my life. And right now, although I’m working and running my own business, my calling is to be their mother. And to do GOOD by them and bring them up to love Jesus with all their hearts. To love them like God loves me, even when I am completely unlovable. Showing them how much I love them even when they don’t seem to deserve it. God’s love is never failing. It’s never ending. My love for the boys needs to be shown in the same ways. And loving them and EMBRACING being their mamma- even when it’s really hard and sucks- is my highest calling. There might not be a greater calling than this. And I SHOULD be spending my time grateful that God has so blessed me with a calling so high as this.
I hope and pray that this has encouraged you. Just because it’s hard and you don’t always love EVERY SECOND of being a mom, doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. It just means that you are a human. It just means that you are a woman. And it probably means you need to have a little time to yourself to recharge your batteries. I don’t love EVERY second of being a mom. But I do know that I wouldn’t REALLY trade it for anything. It’s not all perfect. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows like everyone’s Facebook status’s seem to be. It’s just not. Life is messy. Human emotions run deep. And being a mom IS hard. You aren’t going crazy. It’s supposed to be hard. In my opinion, it’s the most important job that we could ever do. It’s not supposed to be easy. But it WILL be worth it. And somedays, in-between the tantrums and the blowouts, there are many little moments that make it worth it now.
So cling to that. And to Jesus. Because He knows how hard this is. And He’s designed you and me to do this very job, with these very kids. It wasn’t an accident. He doesn’t make mistakes. And it IS going to be hard. Because ALL things that are worth it, usually are.
But it IS worth it.
* Image taken on my iPhone.