dear cruz,

I feel like every time I sit down to write these letters to you, the only reasonable way I find myself starting each letter is with “I can’t believe how big you are getting.” But it’s very true. And it’s a thought that crosses my mind every single day. And I’m told that it will cross my mind every day for the rest of my life.

You are into everything these days. You love to point at the lamps, lights, fans, windows, even the microwave. You are curious about everything. And when I explain things to you, you contemplate everything that I am saying and take it all in. It’s as if you’re an adult listening to me intently. And you look at me like to want to respond with a full sentence, but you can’t quite yet. But you are very, very smart. Daddy and I can already tell.

I am eager to know what your gifts and talents are. What will I be driving you to and from on Saturday mornings? Who are your friends going to be? Are you going to love Jesus? There’s so many things I wonder about you. There’s so many things that I can’t wait to find out! You surprise me with new things every day. It’s such a blessing watching you grow up. You, sweet Cruz, are the biggest blessing of all my life. When I was pregnant with you, I only thought about how I was going to have a baby. And how I was going to be a new mom. And how I was going to do the best I could with Daddy to raise you right, along with any future brothers or sisters.

And then you were born.

And I’m not sure what we did right to deserve such an amazing little guy like you. I had no idea that you were going to be the most interesting, coolest little kid with the best personality ever. You have only exceeded my wildest expectations Cruzer. And all you’ve done is be YOU these past 14 months. And these have been the hardest most fulfilling 14 months of my entire life.

And I wouldn’t change any single thing about it.

I love you my Cruzer, with all of my heart.

dear cruz,

We have a lot to be thankful for.

Today looks a lot different for us than it did a year ago. So much has changed and we have never been more grateful that it has. I had no idea that I’d be where we are, but I am so thankful for God’s direction in our life. He is here, Cruz. He is watching out for us and protecting us.

It’s amazing how much YOU have changed in one year! Every mamma who’s gone before me has told me that it goes by so fast. And they are so right. This year has just flown by without a second glance. I’m told that pretty soon I’ll be teaching you how to drive, watching you go off to college, raising kids of your own. That in a blink of an eye you will be all grown up and I will be wondering where did the time go.

That thought makes me sad, but so excited for you too. I’m so thrilled to be able to watch your life grow right before my very eyes. I haven’t missed it! I haven’t missed out on you and I can boldly say that I really have taken the time to enjoy my time with you. Right before you were born, mommy was faced with decisions that wouldn’t allow her to work anymore. There wasn’t any possible way that I could work at my current job AND put you first, despite what was promised to me. And I knew that I didn’t want to miss out on anything during your first year on this earth. Choosing to stay home and make my own career path has never been a better idea and it’s never been a decision that was blessed MORE.

I am thankful for you. Cruz. I’m thankful for dadda- a man who is humble and stands for what is right all the time. A man who cares about other people and who seeks God in everything he does. I’m thankful for our jobs and for God’s ability to give us the desires of our hearts- in His timing. I’m thankful for Audio, our puppy, who you adore. I’m thankful for opportunities on the horizon. I’m thankful for life and for how different things are this year. Change is exactly what we needed and God has directed our steps all the way.

So while you’re first year of life has been one of change and uncertainty for us, I’ve never been more happy to walk through that uncertainty and change. It has truly shaped us, grown us and brought us to a place that I never thought we’d be. Be thankful for a God who loves us, Cruz. A God who allows us the freedom to make our own decisions, but who leads us if we just trust Him.

And you can trust Him. He will never fail.

dear cruz,

Wow. This month has taken some unexpected turns.

Our journey is changing, little guy. And it’s been a month full of mixed emotions. Anger, hurt, happiness, relief. It’s been a month of continued stretching for us, as our life seems to be. Sometimes we wonder when God’s going stop stretching us- even if only for a brief moment so we can catch our breath. But at the same exact time, I wouldn’t change anything that we’ve been through because it would mean that we aren’t here.

And here is where we are.

This month has been hard. Daddy lost his job. Mommy lost a little baby. It would be easy to give up. To wonder where God is in the midst of confusion, hurt, anger and loneliness. Mommy and Daddy have lost some friends this month. When things get hard, you learn who loves you most. And we have learned that and are clinging to friends and family who have stuck by our sides. There still is a lot of people around us Cruz. A lot of people who love us. Who love YOU. The support has been amazing and I can’t help but know that God has big plans for the three of us!

And so we are moving on and moving forward. We are still sad about both losses- loss of not being apart of a community that we were involved in for 10 years. And sad about the loss of a little brother or sister that you will not meet until we’re all in heaven someday. But we are OK. More than OK.

God has given us more than we could have ever asked for in this time. I finally feel like I completely understand Philippians 4:6 & 7, (“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”) It’s amazing how truly the peace of God will surpass and go beyond all understanding in the moments when you need it most. I feel like I have a clarity for our life, that I’ve never had before.

While I don’t understand what he’s doing in our lives or where He’s taking us, I do trust Him. We won’t go anywhere where He isn’t leading us, little guy. So you can rest easy, relax and know- Mommy and Daddy are going to do their best to trust in God so you can confidently trust in us.

Here’s to many new adventures my Cruzer! This is a great life we are living!

I love you,

Mommy

 

dear cruz,

I’ve restarted this entry several times now. I’m not quite sure what to say exactly, so I can’t imagine that this entry will be too long.

Sometimes life is just confusing. Sometimes God has us go through things that just plain sucks. Sometimes life really doesn’t seem fair. Sometimes I just don’t get it. But I do know, Cruz, that we serve a God that is big. Bigger than you will ever even be able to imagine or dream about. Too big to comprehend. And even though I never seem to understand exactly what He’s doing in our lives, I do know that I can trust Him. You can trust Him.

And that He’s faithful to us.

And He loves us.

He loves you Cruz, so much more than you will ever understand. He created you in my tummy. He knows how many days you will live on this earth. And He knows all about your life already- even though you’ve only been here for 11 short months!

Someday, when you understand, just know that you can trust Him. Even when the world seems as though it’s crumbling around you. When your soul just feels so dark and so afraid- know that He is God. He is love. And He is faithful.

And He loves you.

There’s no better lesson that Daddy and I could ever teach you. And your brothers and sisters someday.

I love you,

Mommy

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.

dear cruz,

I can’t believe that you are almost 1 year old.

Time is flying. I think I am doing my best to stop, watch you grow, and enjoy it. I try to do that everyday so I don’t miss out on anything new you are doing. 

Mommy has been really tired this month. And while our business is taking off, I’ve struggled with guilt a lot these past few days. Guilt that I am working too much. Guilt that I am not working enough. Guilt that I am not home enough. Guilt that I never leave the house. *Sigh* The devil has been using guilt in my life these past few days and I am doing everything I can to fight it.

I keep reminding myself that I actually get to be home with you and work. A lot of people have to go to an office everyday and take their kiddos to daycare. I’m lucky enough to have the best of both worlds- being home with you and working full time. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

Sometimes I wonder why daddy and I didn’t start Session Nine Photography sooner. Why didn’t I just go for it? Why didn’t I just chase the dream I always knew was there, and why was I afraid? I find myself comparing myself to other people’s circumstances a lot, which isn’t helpful to me or us. 

But just remember Cruz, the grass isn’t always greener. Other people’s circumstances aren’t always what they seem or what they appear to be. I am trying to remember that a lot right now. Nobody has life completely figured out. Nobody is free from guilt, or weariness, or loneliness, or wonder. Everybody thinks about how their life would be if it were different. Being content in this life is one of the best lessons you could ever learn. It’s hard for mommy to be content sometimes, because I want the best for you and I want it now. But you have made me realize that I would change nothing in my life because all of it means that I get to be home with you. I get to watch you grow everyday. I get to talk to you, play with you and know you. Everyday. 

So everyday I feel a little more content. Because I know that I am not supposed to be anywhere else but here. It may be hard right now (or always) and it might not ever get easier. But we love you. And I wouldn’t want our lives to be any other way. 

I love you my Cruzer…

Mommy

dear cruz,

This is my first official letter to you on this blog. I want to write letters to you from time to time because I am eventually going to turn this blog into a blog book- really so it can be a memory book for you someday. I want you to know who I was when you were a baby, all the things I liked, struggled with, laughed over. And most of all, I want you to know what you and mommy did while you were a baby- everything that we do every day while I’m home with you. 

You are the biggest joy and blessing in my life. You have already taught me so many things. This month I have learned a lot about friendships. You have taught me that the people I have in my life, and who are closest to me, are super important. The relationships that daddy and I have will help to influence you in your growing up. When I think about that, I realize that that is a really big deal. It’s changed me and made me really consider people in my life.  

This month has been really hard, but it’s been such a time of growth for mom. Dad and I always trying to figure out ways to make sure we pay our bills and take good care of you. It’s really made us rely on God and rely on each other a lot more. Sometimes it scares me, but I just take one look at your little face and I’m reminded that I serve a God who loves you. He made you. And He will not forget you. And He has always given us much more than we could ever have asked for. Not always in the ways we thought, but in so many more ways that we ever thought possible. He’s used so many people in our lives who love & support us. So many people who love you. 

So I’ll take the ‘hard’ every month if it means I get to be home with you, watching you grow. I’ll take the unknown and the fear from time to time. Whatever comes, little guy, just know that there are so many people who love you. So many people who love US. 

We will always take care of you… 

I love you …

Mommy